Typical

Because I’m what might be called a bit of a motor car enthusiast I very rarely use buses, but none the less, I am aware of a little trick they used to do in the old days when they used to have a driver and conductor on board. If one had a bit of a lazy bones conductor he would encourage the driver to put a spurt on and try to catch the bus in front, the reason being, he would arrive at the bus stop fairly soon after the bus in front, thereby not leaving enough time for a queue to develop at the bus stop.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that the conductor in the bus behind was therefore spending his entire day sitting on his bus doing nothing as there were no customers on board requiring tickets. This was a ploy sometimes used by more than one following crew which gave rise to the expression, “Gawd blimey, that’s bloody typical, you wait around all day for a bus and then three come along all together.”

There are many occasions when the expression, “that’s bloody typical,” can come into play, for example when one has rushed from one’s home to go to the office, remembering one’s briefcase and bowler but inadvertently leaving one’s brolly in the umbrella stand at home. One’s forgetfulness is realised upon nearing the underground station when attempting to raise one’s umbrella to gesture a cheery “what ho,” to a fellow traveller. Too late to return to the house to retrieve the brolly, one just has to continue to the city improperly dressed, of course it’s typical that when emerging from the depths of the underground one should then be met with a deluge of rain sufficient to float the Titanic.

Whilst on the subject of the Titanic, how many of the passengers must have uttered the phrase, “that’s typical, all these miles of sea to choose from and we pick the only bit with a stonking great iceberg in it.” Rather more typical for the morals of the day was the conduct of most of the males on board who refused to enter the lifeboats, encouraging the women and children to leave the sinking vessel first.

Perhaps unsurprisingly a large number of those left on board headed straight to the bar, although in rather untypical fashion the band gathered by the grand staircase and played together, the last piece they allegedly played was the hymn, “Nearer my God to thee.”

Touching as this may be, I think it fair to say it is not the typical actions of a group of musicians who are generally not slow at coming forward when there is alcohol available. How many of you, when watching a West End musical may have experienced the sensation that the songs are being played a tad quicker than you remembered, this phenomenon is typically occasioned by the requirement to satiate the bands desire for alcohol and the need to get to the pub over the road before the rush.

I have to admit, much as I think “Nearer my God to thee,” is a beautiful tune, were I in similar circumstances, I would plump for my last moments to be spent in the bar and I think it safe to say that those who know me would say, “that’s typical of you!”