Elaborate.

When I die I don’t want an enormous elaborate funeral for I am a man of humble tastes, I shall be more than happy with a modest funeral cortege of one hearse and perhaps half a dozen other cars, all Bentley’s of course following and perhaps a few hundred weeping admirers at the graveside, a truly modest affair, I think you’ll agree.

As for my mausoleum, I rather had in mind something of the size of a Maharajas palace with a large dome with gold leaf Bentley wings proudly displayed on top and the interior something subtle like a bejewelled tarts boudoir, for as in life modesty in all things.

Perhaps all this is a tad over the top and I should be considering a slightly more modest affair, although I draw the line at a cardboard coffin, I would aspire to chipboard at the very least, but I’m not too fussy about the quality of the handles.

I’m led to believe that should you elect for a cremation all the handles and paraphernalia are removed before they light the blue touch paper, which rather suggests that funeral directors must use the same handles over and over again, all very ecologically sound, although perhaps you should only be charged for rental of the handles rather than purchase.

I have no wish to elaborate any further on the subject of funerals, as I have to admit I really don’t want an elaborate funeral as I consider it an enormous waste of money, I will be more than happy with a hearse for me, my wife can drive one of my Bentley’s behind, a cheap coffin to burn and later scatter the ashes at Goodwood Motor Racing Circuit, or the back garden if they can’t get permission for Goodwood.

Today has been quite busy, having written my other blog, edited one of my children’s stories, sorted illustrations for another book, assisted our gardener to do an impersonation of a slug, made a small garden feature and planted some flowers, got my hair cut, received and sent emails and a few other sundry things.

Life can be quite elaborate and time consuming but if you tell anyone you’re retired, they always ask, “well, what do you do all day, don’t you get bored!”

About The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

I am a retired actor, although to be honest I only retired because I wasn't getting any work and the option of becoming an unemployed actor/waiter at my age was ludicrous, especially as my waiting skills are non-existent. Having said I’m retired, I don’t think there really is such a thing as a retired actor for I am still available for work, I just don’t have an agent or any connections with regards to obtaining any worthwhile work. I have over the years done student films when there is nothing else available, always low paid (if at all) the only incentive was always the promised copy of the finished film for your show reel which nine times out of ten always failed to materialise. I spent many years looking after my aged mother who had dementia, hence the lack of acting work but shortly after her death I was lucky enough to run into an ex-girlfriend of many years ago and our romance blossomed once again, resulting in us getting married in 2013. My move to the countryside inspired me to write The Diary of a Country Bumpkin which tells of my continuing dilemmas in dealing with the rigors of the countryside from the unexpectedly large number of pollens, fungal moulds and hay products waiting to attack the unsuspecting townie. I enjoy writing, see my play Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori on The Wireless Theatre Company, The Plays Wot I Wrote and The Battle of Barking Creek both available on Amazon.co.uk and am very fond of classic cars so my ideal occupation would be acting in a film I had written set in the 1930s/40s, we live in hopes. I am delighted to say that since venturing to the countryside where space is not quite the premium it is in town, I have due to the availability of two double garages acquired more classic cars to form a small collection the pride of which are a 1947 Bentley Mk VI and a 2000 Bentley Arnage. My various blogs and websites are continually evolving and I’m sure that by following the appropriate links you will find something which will edify or amuse.

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