At long last we in the country have finally got the opportunity to have fibre optic broadband which apparently goes at warp speed 6 on the Enterprise spaceship scale of whizzyness!

Last week they came to check the cable outside our property was working and we got the go ahead to have them connect us up this week which was all very exciting, especially as we have had nothing remotely stimulating since the last lockdown in 1907.

This week two young men came to connect us up by joining the house to the outside terminal and having pointed out a couple of potential problems they set about with their machine which I had thought was going to cut a small trench across our lawn but in fact just cut a small slit into which they put the cable protected by an outer pipe.

All seemed to be going well and they drilled through the wall placed a box on the wall and I believe connected the fibre optic cable, however after some walking about outside they came back with a photograph of an external box which seemed to be flooded with water which stopped them finishing the job.

I got the impression that all that was needed was to sort out whatever was wrong in the box outside and we’d be away on a hack, although the fact that it appeared to be flooded didn’t seem to bode well for the future.

The young men left and I went off to a classic car auction at the IWM Duxford, so it wasn’t until my return that I noticed that the cable where it came through our fence was not underground leaving some three feet either side exposed.

As we live in the country and have wild animals some of whom are partial to chewing on electric cable as I know only too well from the mouse that fused the lights in my garage and it took some time to find the fault but sadly the mouse had paid the ultimate price for his little snack.

I have no idea if fibre optic cable is worth stealing as it would be if it were copper but I do know that certain young people might find it rather amusing to grab hold of the cable and “pull it up for a laugh,” a statement which in itself says a lot about the sense of humour of the youth of today.

Having phoned Gigaclear to explain about the exposed cable, the following day I set about the problem equipped with a spade, hand trowel and a small pruning saw to cut a small trench for the cable which would go under the tree root and under the fence and continue on the other side of the fence in another trench to be able to join up with the other part of the exposed cable.

Although I was assured that they would be back to correct the problem I didn’t want them having any excuses as to why it was not possible to do it, as their machine was too big to get close to the fence, we don’t have a spade, or what, you mean dig by hand, or some other nonsense.

I could foresee a situation where these excuses would come into play and they would attempt to persuade me it should be left as it was and it wouldn’t surprise me if they try this even though I have done the work for them, all they now have to do is pull up the 12ft outside the fence poke it back down my trench and reconnect it.

Should they attempt to come up with excuses as to why they didn’t dig under the fence I feel a history lesson may be in order where I shall inform them of the fate of British troops who were captured in WW2 and placed in prison camps by the Nazis but did these brave men give in, no they did not for they were made of sterner stuff than the youth of today.

They most certainly did not give in, they succeeded in escaping by digging tunnels to crawl down and make their way to freedom with the aid of a few bed boards to prop them up, candles made from lard to see by and nothing more than a desert spoon to dig with.

Let this be a lesson to you Gigaclear cable layers!


About The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

I am a retired actor, although to be honest I only retired because I wasn't getting any work and the option of becoming an unemployed actor/waiter at my age was ludicrous, especially as my waiting skills are non-existent. Having said I’m retired, I don’t think there really is such a thing as a retired actor for I am still available for work, I just don’t have an agent or any connections with regards to obtaining any worthwhile work. I have over the years done student films when there is nothing else available, always low paid (if at all) the only incentive was always the promised copy of the finished film for your show reel which nine times out of ten always failed to materialise. I spent many years looking after my aged mother who had dementia, hence the lack of acting work but shortly after her death I was lucky enough to run into an ex-girlfriend of many years ago and our romance blossomed once again, resulting in us getting married in 2013. My move to the countryside inspired me to write The Diary of a Country Bumpkin which tells of my continuing dilemmas in dealing with the rigors of the countryside from the unexpectedly large number of pollens, fungal moulds and hay products waiting to attack the unsuspecting townie. I enjoy writing, see my play Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori on The Wireless Theatre Company, The Plays Wot I Wrote and The Battle of Barking Creek both available on and am very fond of classic cars so my ideal occupation would be acting in a film I had written set in the 1930s/40s, we live in hopes. I am delighted to say that since venturing to the countryside where space is not quite the premium it is in town, I have due to the availability of two double garages acquired more classic cars to form a small collection the pride of which are a 1947 Bentley Mk VI and a 2000 Bentley Arnage. My various blogs and websites are continually evolving and I’m sure that by following the appropriate links you will find something which will edify or amuse.
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  1. They obviously aren’t paid enough to think, as well as cutting small slits!

    • It’s quite sad to think that two young blokes can’t do a job properly and have to leave it to a 70 year old to do it right. I don’t know if they were too lazy and thinking, “it’s in the corner of the garden behind a bush, he’ll never look there,” except the other side of the fence on the outside, it stuck out as they say, “like a pair of dogs bollocks.” The other way of looking is they were too incompetent to do the job, either way it’s a bit of a sad reflection on the youth of today.

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