The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

I absolutely hate loathe and detest AI and the following is an example of why, as I have just wasted some considerable time talking with a machine whilst hoping for some assistance from a real human being.

The following is the transcript of my ‘conversation’ whilst the italic comments are my thoughts during the process.

Having purchased an item on ebay, I received a message from Royal Mail to say the item would not be delivered until I paid the missing £5.00 postage which I duly did and the package later arrived. I then contacted the seller to request a refund for the £5.00 postage but a message came up saying I would have to get a refund through ebay.

Knowing what this process might entail my thoughts at the time were something along the lines of; ‘oh deary me, that’s a trifle inconvenient’ or words to that effect.

Hi joseph! I’m eBay’s automated assistant. I can help with any issues you might have, or connect you with an agent.

Connect me with an agent, that’s promising!

We may analyse the content of this interaction to enhance the quality of our customer service, including using artificial intelligence-powered analysis.

In a few words, tell me how I can help.

Dear AI, if your previous sentence is an example of, ‘in a few words,’ we are clearly in trouble here and we haven’t even started yet.

I ordered an item which had no postage on it, so I had to pay £5.00 before they would deliver the item. I have contacted the seller but a message came up saying I had to contact ebay to sort the matter. The item was number: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OK, before I connect you with an agent, please tell me what you need help with.

I suppose it would be asking too much to be connected to a human being now by any chance?

Refund for postage I had to pay on an item I purchased.

eBay refunds postage costs in certain situations. We take into account postage cost, item price, seller profile, and buyer history.

Sellers are responsible for return postage costs when an item arrives damaged, is defective, or doesn’t match the listing description. When a buyer changes their mind about an item, the seller’s return policy determines who pays for return postage.

In a few words, none of this applies to me, but not to be daunted I shall rephrase the question.

They sent the item to me with no postage paid and would not deliver until I paid the missing £5.00 postage.

If the delivery service asks for additional payment, you can refuse the item as long as the additional fee wasn’t mentioned before purchase.

You’re still covered by eBay Money Back Guarantee for the original order amount if you decide to open a refund request.

However, for international orders, you’ll need to pay any customs fees, import charges and taxes you’re responsible for. Learn more- Postage rates for buyers

Customs due on delivery

The reason all this AI nonsense takes such an infinite amount of time is the necessity to thoroughly read each answer on the off chance that they may have actually answered the question.  

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Open a refund request

I only want to be paid for the postage I had to pay to receive the item I had purchased.

Select the item you want to track.

Antique Small Box and Case Cabin… Order #xxxxxxxx xxxxx Item no.:xxxxxxxxxxxx Sale date:12/03/25

Checking on…

Antique Small Box and Case Cabin… Order #:xxxxxxxx xxxxx Item no.:xxxxxxxxxxxx

OK joseph, here’s the status of your item:

Didn’t receive item

For crying out loud what is wrong with you, I have the bloody item, I paid £5.00 to receive the item. I have at no time in our ‘conversation’ ever mentioned that the item was missing!

I have received the item, I just want a refund for £5.00 as the postage was not paid to deliver the item.

eBay refunds postage costs in certain situations. We take into account postage cost, item price, seller profile, and buyer history.

Sellers are responsible for return postage costs when an item arrives damaged, is defective, or doesn’t match the listing description. When a buyer changes their mind about an item, the seller’s return policy determines who pays for return postage.

You’re repeating yourself and I have to say I’m finding it a little tiresome to say the least.

Is it possible to speak with a human being, as I am clearly wasting my time here otherwise?

Is this the item you need help with?

Antique Small Box and Case Cabin… Order #:xxxxxx xxxxxx Item no.:xxxxxxxxxx Sale date:12/03/25

YesNo

Select yes

Yes

OK joseph, you can:

Contact an agent

I seem to remember this is where we started, trying to contact an agent!

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Start return request 

I don’t want to return the bloody thing, all I want is my effing £5.00 which I had to pay for the postage.

Contact an agent

At long bloody last.

Sure, I can help you get in touch with an agent. Currently, you can:

Ask us to call you
Est. wait: 3 min

Hard of hearing or visually impaired?- eBay Customer Service email form

Assistant

Ask us to call you

Oh please, before I lose the will to live!

Let’s see if I can get one of our agents to help you.

An agent can call to help you once you enter your phone number.

Estimated wait time: 3 minutes

Location

                    United Kingdom +44   

Great! An agent will call you at 07XXX XXX526 in about 3 minutes to see how we can best help you.

Consider checking your phone, as spam or notification settings may affect our ability to reach you. If you like, you can ask me something else while you wait.

Your call may be recorded for training and quality assurance purposes. If you prefer not to be recorded, please contact us by another option. For more info, see our User Privacy Notice- User Privacy Notice.

Very good.

Thanks for your patience as I continue to learn. So I can help get you to the right place, try using short phrases like, help with a return, or getting paid.

You don’t seem to have learnt very quickly, all I wanted in the first place was to speak to a human being.

You can also contact an agent during our regular operating hours.

Rather amazingly they actually phoned fairly promptly, whereupon I repeated the whole of my previous conversation this time to a human being who noticed I had emailed the seller and suggested I wait twenty-four hours and should I not have any satisfaction to contact ebay again. Now, I imagine a goodly percentage of you are wondering as did I and sadly the answer is; the only way to contact a human being is through the AI first, although next time round I too shall repeat myself with the request to speak to a human being in answer to every question AI can come up with.

I may update this post but taking an example from ebay I’m hoping to do it in only a few words, the ones I dearly wish to use are. GOT ME FIVER BACK!