I must say what a splendid job some people have done in decorating their houses in honour of the 75 year VE Day celebrations, which makes my little tribute look rather paltry but as you can see from the photo even if I had emblazoned the house with bunting it would still be hardly noticeable from the road.  As they say, it’s the thought that counts.



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VE Day celebrations – Mayfield Festival of Music and the Arts

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FxxK off Keir Starmer.

I happened to catch Prime Ministers question time on the evening news today and was wondering if the press and the Opposition were quite so hostile to Winston Churchill during World War Two, or did they all pull together for the benefit of the country?

Boris Johnson speaks during Prime Minister’s Questions in the House of Commons on Wednesday

Personally I don’t think I could have the sort of willpower displayed by the Prime Minister who one imagines is doing his absolute best to deal with the awful coronavirus situation, having indeed come close to death himself.

I’m sure if I was asked the sort of annoying and inane questions he has been asked I would have resorted to answering as follows; “any idiot can stand there and ask this nonsense with the benefit of hindsight, why don’t you fxxk off you annoying little shit, I’m doing my best!”

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Sadly Professor Neil Ferguson has resigned as he has broken the rules of lock down which he himself designed by allegedly meeting his married lover in his house.

Coronavirus: Top government scientist Neil Ferguson resigns from ...

One has to feel sorry for the poor chap who will no doubt be held to ridicule for unfortunately being the man who proves yet again that an erect penis has no conscience.

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Here are three of my works which were previously selected for THE SHORT OF IT, should you feel like submitting pieces here is the link with instructions on how to do so.

The Short Of It


A man entered the bar,
He appeared to be moving like a sailing boat,
tacking against the wind.
With trouser belt above the waist, he stopped,
swayed back upon his heels,
and taking first position in a dancey sort of way,
he did a little plié.
He ordered a pint of snakebite, a Guinness,
and a crème de menthe,
then having downed the lot he proceeded to sing,
from the La Marseillaise.
Pulling down his trousers, like a man possessed
he waved his bits about,
and bending down to touch his toes he struck a match,
and lit a massive fart.
A blue flame shot all the way across the bar,
causing scorching damage.
The crowd erupted in spontaneous applause,
and cheers of joyous laughter.
Then it seemed almost in the blinking of an eye,
he had disappeared.
The man had left the bar.


Pay attention boy!

I entered a competition to write some prose and duly sent in my entry whereupon I received a reply saying I should have sent three, which reminded me of my school days which were spent mostly looking out of the window daydreaming.

The teacher would gain your attention by throwing a heavy wooden board rubber at your head which would land with a crack and bring a tear to your eye, on reflection I’m amazed more boys didn’t suffer from concussion.

It was the norm in those days for the teachers to have carte blanche to inflict any number of corporal punishments from a slap across the knuckles with a ruler, a whack on the bottom from a size 11 plimsoll to the full-blown six of the best with a bamboo cane.

The strangest thing though was having to say, “thank you Sir” after being beaten.

Happy days!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012 | survivingthemadhouse


It could always be worse!

My life of late has not been great,
I’ve had an awful time.
My wife has left, the kids gone too,
I don’t know what to do.
This tale of woe began a year ago,
when I sadly lost my job.
No money left to pay the bills,
I foolishly turned to crime.
How hard I thought to rob a house,
I’ll try the one next door.
I dressed in black and took a sack,
in which I put the swag.
They say that crime it doesn’t pay
and sadly, they are right.
For now, I’m serving thirteen months,
in a dingy prison cell
I must say life inside is not all bad,
for I’m now a prison wife.
He’s not perhaps my ideal mate,
but in here you don’t say no.
If I behave, I’ll be out soon and
make sure I don’t come back.

Decoding the Classic Burglar Outfit - Atlas Obscura

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I was reading a post on the Drizzle and Hurricane Books blog about a blogging slump and suggestions for ideas to keep your blog fresh which was most useful as I too have been slowing down with my posts, due to the lack of anything happening, or being reported in the world.

In my reply I suggested I might just copy and paste it as a post for today as I want to get on with my book, I know it’s cheating but I have posted a link to Drizzle and Hurricane so you can have two blogs to read today for the price of one!


How to deal with a blogging slump

It would be nice if the TV news reported something other than Coronavirus for I’m sure there are other things to report, personally I have slowed down blogging as I’m concentrating on writing a book which I’d like to get finished before the end of the lock down. The shock of having the freedom to go out again, to take my classic cars for a run, to meet friends etc might be too much temptation and enjoying myself may take precedent over finishing the book. Unfortunately Mr Donald Trump is a constant source of material for a blog post although having to watch him on television is exceedingly painful, I expect he might be easier to watch once he learns to read. I could cheat and just copy this reply and use it as a post!

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I haven’t done a FAKE NEWS story for a little while but was prompted to do so by Mr Donald Trumps ridiculous suggestion that we should inject disinfectant to kill Coronavirus, I have to say this man has proven himself to be a dimwit on numerous occasions and now his latest hair brained scheme has ended in tragedy.

Insane video shows would-be ISIS suicide bomber exploding mid-air ...

It seems Mr Trump injected himself with Nitroglycerin, an unstable explosive liquid in an attempt to kill the deadly virus and sadly while travelling in the Presidential limousine they hit a speed hump with tragic consequences, it is reported that all those aboard have been blown to smithereens.

That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio.

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