HOW TO STOP HOSEPIPE BANS.

There is a very simple way to stop having hosepipe bans which seems to have been overlooked, quite simply the pay of the Chief Executive should be directly related to the amount of water lost from their leaky pipes.

Given the incentive of more dosh for less leaks together with the forfeit of less dosh should the water still be flooding out I would imagine the leaks would all be fixed within a month or so!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

ICE COLD IN ALEX.

I was reminded just recently by a friend in the Americas that we Brits are in for yet more in the way of a heatwave but was quick to point out that should needs be I will break out my trusty pith helmet and be sure to survive the beastly noon day sun.

When all is said and done we are lucky that at the end of the day, just like in the famous film, Ice Cold in Alex we too can imbibe a refreshing ice cold Carlsberg lager to fortify us and set us up for another day in the baking hot desert, or garden as the case may be!

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

ARSENAL FOOTBALL CLUB.

In what is yet another example of what NOT to wish for with levelling up it seems the London based Arsenal Football club has the most expensive lager sold in its stadium in the Premier league at £7.60 a pint.

Here is the list of prices charged leaving me with not much more to add except to say to Liverpool fans and all the other teams fans who are not in London, if you want levelling up be careful what you wish for. Arsenal charge £7.60 a pint, whilst Liverpool are giving it away at £3.30 a pint.

So if you want to pay £7.60 for a pint of lager keep asking for levelling up, or on the other hand I’d keep quite and enjoy the benefits of ridiculously cheap lager.

As an aside and an example, I went to a Forties Weekend at Woodhall Spa in Lincolnshire and I purchased two pairs of forties style trousers for £45.00 each which down south would have cost about £100 to £120, I think we in the South should be voting for levelling down!

West Ham

Pint – £7.30 (+£1.45p)

Pie – £6 (+£1)

Arsenal

Pint – £6.35 (+45p)

Pie – £4.85 (+35p)

Fulham

Pint – £5.80 (+30p)

Pie – £5 (+50p)

Leicester

Pint – £5.80 (+50p)

Pie – £5 (+40p)

Chelsea

Pint – £5.70 (-)

Pie – £5.30 (+50p)

Southampton

Pint – £5.50 (+50p)

Pie – £4.95 (+45p)

Brentford

Pint – £5.25 (+25p)

Pie – £5 (+50p)

Aston Villa

Pint – £5.20 (+60p)

Pie – £4.65 (+5p)

Nottingham Forest

Pint – £5.20 (+40p)

Pie – £4.10 (+30p)

Tottenham

Pint – £5.19 (+70p)

Pie – £4.29 (+50p)

Crystal Palace

Pint – £5 (-)

Pie – £4.50 (+50p)

Leeds United

Pint – £5 (+5p)

Pie – £4 (+20p)

Wolves

Pint – £5 (-)

Pie – £4 (+25p)

Brighton

Pint – £4.95 (+15p)

Pie – £4.90 (+30p)

Newcastle

Pint – £4.90 (-10p)

Pie – £4.80 (-)

Man City

Pint – £4.60 (+10p)

Pie – £4.75 (+25p)

Everton

Pint – £4.55 (+55p)

Pie – £3.90 (+50p)

Bournemouth

Pint – £4.25 (-)

Pie – £4.25 (+25p)

Liverpool

Pint – £3.30 (+30p)

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

GORDON BROWN DEMANDS COBRA MEETING.

Yesterday, ex Prime Minister Gordon Brown demanded the Government hold an urgent Cobra meeting to discuss the precarious state of the economy and suggested Kier Starmer could take part.

Unfortunately, Kier Starmer is away on holiday at the moment so with no-one suitable to order the curry and Cobra lager I see little chance of this meeting taking place.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

PROSECUTE CYCLISTS WHO KILL.

I was watching Jeremy Vine on the television who is an ardent cyclist, springing to their defence at every conceivable occasion and this morning was no exception, saying reckless car drivers were far worse than cyclists as they killed more people than cyclists.

I’m afraid as far as I’m concerned, reckless car drivers and reckless cyclists who kill pedestrians should both be prosecuted and sentenced the same, I don’t car if a relative of mine were killed by a reckless car driver, a reckless cyclist, a rampaging elephant or someone careering down the road on a penny farthing with no brakes, at the end of the day, if you’re dead, you’re dead.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

HOSEPIPE BANS.

Just recently various water authorities have brought in hosepipe bans due to the shortage of water which seemed to make sense until you start to look at the facts.

It seems that 71% of the world is covered with water and the oceans contain 96.5% of all the world’s water, so I have to say, don’t give me this rubbish that we are short of water when in actual fact we are inundated with the stuff, the problem is not the shortage but our inability to use it.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

THE DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS.

My wife has recently taken up vegetable gardening and I have been roped in to help on a practical basis by building raised beds refurbing the greenhouse and now in the erecting of a much larger building which will be fill with stuff!

The luckily our garden is quite large as parts of it are now looking a little like Day of the Triffids, however I have to say the products of her labours have turned out to be quite impressive, I’m just hoping she doesn’t get the urge to enter giant vegetable competitions.

Here is a photograph of some of the products, apparently the tomatoes are of the beef variety and the melon is red inside so I’m told. They taste quite nice too!

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

CONSERVATIVE PARTY LEADERSHIP ELECTION.

I have just received my voting forms for the Conservative Leadership Election but have noticed there is no box to vote for Boris Johnson, I suppose this is because if there were a box for Boris he would win the election!

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

WELL DONE THE LIONESSES.

I know absolutely nothing about football but I believe congratulations are in order for the plucky English lady footballers as they have won, I think the European Championship by beating the Germans 2-1.

Apparently this was last achieved by the men’s team some 56 years ago in 1966 which from recollection was also our first major defeat of the Germans since 1945.

One has to be so careful as people are so easily offended nowadays, so I was surprised that the ladies team are called the Lionesses and especially surprised they are referred to as ladies as I believe one is not allowed to refer to pregnant women giving birth as women in case this offends any men who may be in the maternity ward also giving birth.

On the subject of men, I understand that the women’s football has become increasingly popular with men, especially since they changed the rules on women’s beach volley ball banning the girls from wearing skimpy bikinis.

Could the upsurge of interest from the male of the species in women’s football have anything to do with the alleged number of lesbians in the team, so now the ladies football fulfils many a mans fantasy, after all it’s football, played by lesbians who when scoring a goal rush to hug and kiss each other and then at the end of the game should they win, they remove their top and run around the pitch in their brassiere.

So, to sum up and to try to explain the sudden upsurge of male viewers, it’s football, played by semi naked lesbians, kissing and fondling each other, I could be wrong of course as I have to admit I know absolutely nothing about football.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

MODERN PETROL IS RUBBISH.

I have a Morris Minor and some time before Covid I had to replace the head gasket which I did with the assistance of my friend Tony Donnelly, quick name check there!

My memory is awful I have to admit, for example I have trouble remembering what I had for breakfast so the timeline in this story my not be as accurate as I would like, however it is not the most important aspect of the tale.

Some time after doing the head gasket the car started puffing out smoke again so I assumed as there was no oil in the radiator it must be the valve stem oil seals which also needed doing but Covid came along and I just put the car in the garage and occasionally started it until eventually it was running so rough and chucking out more smoke that I left it until I had more time.

I was recently at the time when I thought, I must finish the Morris Minor but was a little upset that an MBG GT that I also own had also recently started smoking which made me think I now had another car requiring a new head gasket, however it also prompted me in the direction of a different solution to my problem, one that was both cheaper and a damn sight easier.

My concept of time is also rubbish but I suddenly thought, ‘I wonder how long the petrol has been in the cars?’ With this in mind I rushed to drain the fuel tank and took the opportunity to replace the rubber fuel lines with modern R9 ones which will not fall apart the minute they have contact with the beastly methanol which is in modern petrol.

Blow me down, sure as eggs is eggs, the minute I changed the fuel and started the car it was running as smooth as silk with no smoke emerging from the exhaust, which on the positive side made me quite pleased as it was an easy and cheap fix, however on the negative side it made me hate this modern fuel with Ethanol even more than I did before.

I was so elated with my cheap fix that I thought I would wash the old girl as she had accumulated quite a bit of dust during her Covid hibernation in the garage, all I have to do now is to change the seized brake cylinders for her to be back to her normal self.

Sadly, I still think modern petrol is absolutely awful and look forward to the promised synthetic petrol which is being developed by the F1 industry and which will be the saviour of petrolheads everywhere.

It will also be interesting to see in a few years time when people have finally cottoned on to the fact that electric cars are nowhere as green as they are made out to be and there will be advertisements asking, ‘were you miss sold an electric car, sign up here to apply for your compensation!’

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments