The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

I occasionally receive friend requests from young ladies on Facebook, most of whom might best be described as not perhaps the most demure of the female species but none the less I’m sure they must have a warm heart as they seem to be reaching out to befriend what they must assume is a lonely old man who would be only too delighted to make contact with them.

According to her profile this latest request comes from a young lady who lives in London in the Untied Kingdom and is from Windsor Colorado, which I believe is in the Americas, sadly I have very few other details of what I assume must be a hectic and fulfilling life as she seems too busy to find time to elaborate on her Facebook page which merely shows the one photo which I have attached below.

I was wondering on what basis we would form this friendship, as she appears to be a visitor to our shores would I perhaps help her with the subtle nuances expressed by other young people in this country who choose to speak with a London Multicultural Accent, which has the rather peculiar way of pronouncing any word ending in ‘ility.’

When I was at school I learnt a smattering of French but in my day we never had a class where they taught us how to understand American, so I imagine there would be some difficulty with verbal communication.

She has however made the effort to send the friend request, so I imagine she must think there is something to be gained from our mutual friendship, although I’m struggling to see what it may be.

I see from her photo that she is squatting in front of a garage door, although she looks as if she has been caught short and is about to relieve herself, I have to admit though I have no idea why she is making the strange hand gestures which I believe are the American version of our V sign.

Looking at the photo I was wondering that perhaps after she has relieved herself she might open the garage door to reveal some wonderful classic cars, a subject dear to my heart about which we might have a long and meaningful discussion but who knows?

Having reviewed all the evidence I am afraid that I am going to have to refuse this young ladies request for friendship as I can see no evidence for a long lasting relationship between the two of us and I do hope she will not be too disappointed.

I was at first not going to write anything about the events leading up to and the conclusion of Mr Donald Trump’s impeachment, mostly because I was so dumbfounded by it all I was almost lost for words, however I feel it was such a bizarre situation that one must comment.

Where to start, Lord knows; Mr Trump looses the election by some 8 million votes but will not accept that he has lost even though no court in the land has found evidence of any wrong doing to back up his claim that the election was stolen.

It really isn’t worth my while spending too long on this as it’s such a farcical situation but briefly, after he looses the election he is seen on television inciting a riot with a view to stop the official declaration of the win for Joe Biden which ended with the storming of the Capitol Building in Washington resulting in the deaths of five people.

Whilst still President he is Impeached but due to the Republicans delaying when he comes to trial he is no longer President which gives them the excuse to find him not guilty, which leaves me wondering had he actually taken a gun and killed five people himself while being President, would they still have found him not guilty.

It seems there was evidence that Mr Trump knew of the events going on at the Capitol Building after his speech which incited the riot and in fact was contacted by many Congressmen asking him to stop the riot but he chose not to act, leaving all those in the building open to the possibility that they too may have joined the list of those killed on the day.

To sum up, Mr Trump incites a riot with the purpose of stopping the election result being officially declared, the mob storm the Capitol Building during which five people die and knowing that the mob had declared their intention to kill members of the Congress he chose to do nothing to stop them and then knowing all these facts all but seven members of the Republican Party vote not guilty, resulting in Mr Trump not being impeached.

The last person who tried something like this in Great Britain was Guy Fawkes who in 1606 attempted to blow up the British Parliament but luckily enough he and three others failed and were arrested and tried for high treason which resulted in them all being sentenced to be hung, drawn and quartered.

I will leave you to draw your own conclusions as to whether you can draw any similarities between Mr Trump’s attempt at high treason and that of Guy Fawkes.

I have just been told that one of my poems, A Man Entered a Bar, has been selected for inclusion in the anthology The Short of it which is due to be published in the next few months.

I was recently on Facebook and came across a site called Totally Sixties 1960 to 1969 where someone had asked the question; Did men play a big part in childbirth of their partner in 60s like nowadays ?

As someone who has never had any children I am unable to speak from experience but will have to rely on anecdotal evidence from friends and 1960’s sit coms and a vague recollection of the “Doctor in charge films.”

From what I can gather it was not permitted in those days for a man to take any part in the birthing process and indeed was prohibited from entering wherever the birthing may have been taking place.

Unlike todays modern version where the woman giving birth may be found immersed in a birthing pool with his or her partner who would be passing the time during labour by doing a few lengths of the pool to keep themselves amused whilst waiting for the big event; somewhat different from the 1960’s version where the partner would have only been a man and expected to be a married man at that!

I have to say I think I would have been more at home with the more old fashioned way of doing things where the wife would have been taken to hospital and the man would have decamped to the nearest hostelry or even returned home to his “local” with his “mates” to help support him in this difficult and stressful time.

I’m led to believe that these things can take an inordinately long time so the chaps would have had to pace themselves and probably started with a few rounds of beer and depending on the culinary skills of the landlord’s wife there may have been the option of some potato flavoured crisps or a pork pie to sustain them, however should they be lucky enough to be holed up in an up-market pub they may have experienced the delights of a ham and mustard sandwich or even something as exotic as a ploughman’s lunch.

All things being equal some hours later the landlord would have received a call from the hospital with the good news that, “it’s a boy,” which would have triggered the opening of Champagne and the handing out of cigars and a well earned rest for the exhausted men.

Once the happy father had established the visiting hours for the maternity ward for the following day they would be able to settle in for some serious celebrations with a “lock in” until the early hours, perhaps even persuading the landlord’s wife to pop out and fetch a fish supper for the group.

I know when describing these events it does sound like an exhausting experience for these poor men especially compared to his wife who would by now be tucked up in a warm bed in the maternity ward basking in the glow of motherhood but that’s how men sacrificed themselves for the love of a good woman in the 60’s.

Some time ago I had the privilege to appear on The Harry and Edna Show on the Wireless, they just sent me a link to a podcast of the show which I was delighted to receive and prompted me to answer the question; “Why Lord Joe Wells?”

During the course of the show I was asked why I have the title Lord Joe Wells and as they had forgotten or we went off on another topic before I regaled the story which may ring true with others who have been adopted.

I was adopted when I was one year old and had wonderful parents but one always wonders; where do I come from and will one day The Marquis of Bath turn up declaring that he is my birth father whilst showing me round the family estate with the promise, “Berkshire, my boy; one day it will be yours!”

Friends of mine at the time joined in the fun and as I used to live in Woodford would often call me Lord Wells of Woodford, which as I am a fairly honest man and not one for deceit necessitated the purchase of a Title from the wartime fort in the Thames estuary, otherwise known as The Principality of Sealand, as Harry guessed correctly.

The Harry and Edna show usually plays vintage forties music and discusses matters relating to the vintage scene, however the podcast omits the music but should you wish to listen to their show complete with music, which I would thoroughly recommend you will easily find them with an interweb search.

For those of you interested in purchasing any of my books you can find them down the right hand side of this page, if you are viewing on a computer or if you fiddle about if you are young and using a telephone, failing that here is a link to Amazon where you will find them all very reasonably priced. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mr-Joe-Wells/e/B06XKWFQHT/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1546632800&sr=8-1

Lastly for your edification and delight, the link to the Harry and Edna podcast https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5P8tjEVb5U

The Government has continually talked about levelling up the North South divide and is endeavouring to do so by ploughing vast sums of money into massive infrastructure projects to benefit the North such as HS2.

I must say I am wondering why they are doing this and how will it level up the divide between North and South for when the average price of a detached house in the South is £643,000 compared to under half the price up North at £319,000 and one can buy a pint of beer in the North for £2.35, why would they want to level up to pay over £5.00 as we do in the South I have no idea.

It seems the climate change mob are against the HS2 rail project and are digging tunnels to hide in and putting tents in trees to delay the project which seems odd as I was under the impression that these people wanted to encourage us not to use our cars and use the train instead.

As we all know it is far more expensive to live in the South and I would have thought the Government should actually be giving us in the South more money if their intention is to create a level playing field, or is their intention to level up by making it just as expensive to live up North as it is in the South.

The only saving grace I can see with the divide is the fact that petrol is actually cheaper down South, which means that when I venture forth to foreign climes North of Watford the cost of my outbound journey will be cheaper than my return but overall will be a level playing field.

How pleasant to see President Biden signing the executive orders today with a proper pen, such a contrast from the previous incumbent Mr Trump, who was not to be trusted with a sharp pointy object for fear he may have inadvertently harmed himself, which would explain why he always signed with a crayon.

It seems America has a proper President for a change.

As someone who doesn’t live in America, I am somewhat amazed at how broad the definition of “The right to bear arms” has become.

It seems to me ludicrous that members of the public have the right to congregate in public with military assault weapons, one wonders how long it will be before they gather with anti tank weapons and military drones when they next wish to take over a Government building.

I’m rather stuck for any further comment, except to say what a very peculiar place America is!

Non much to write except a Covid-19 update, both the wife and I went down with Covid on 21st December and were told we had to isolate until 31st December.

We managed to emerge today still feeling slightly fragile and with some extremely odd taste buds and all I can say is; as a man who has trouble coping with flu, I don’t want Covid-19 again.

Let’s hope this is the start of a full recovery, followed by the vaccine and a return to normal life, for like everyone else we have a lot of catching up to do!

I had to have a Covid-19 test last week on Saturday as I was supposed to go for a hospital check up this week for my Hiatus hernia which involves having a camera shoved up my nose which then travels down ones throat and which can examine my stomach.

I have mentioned before that this is not a pleasant procedure and I have experienced a camera from the other end which is far easier as there is no gagging reflex on ones bum hole!

They phoned me this morning to inform me my test was positive and much as I was reluctant to have the camera down my throat, I have to admit getting Covid-19 is a somewhat extreme way of getting out of having the procedure.

Quite how I managed to catch it is a bit of a mystery to me as the only places I have been to are our local village shop, once a week to pick up my copy of Classic Car Buyer newspaper and once to get petrol at our local petrol station.

It is strangely ironic that the only way I can think I can have caught the virus is from one of the delivery drivers who have been delivering things to our house which we have been using in an effort to stay safe and not have to go out to the shops.

I have been banished to the bedroom where I am being doused in Covid repelling spray on a regular basis and receiving cups of tea slightly less frequently, as yet the door has not been locked in an effort to stop me escaping.

My flu like symptoms are not too bad, but I seem to be developing a bit of a temerature and I feel I will know if my condition has deteriorated to a point where I have to worry when I hear the sound of an electric saw and a letter box shaped hole appears in the door and a bowl of thin gruel is passed through, together with the sound of the door being locked.

Having only received the news this morning, so far I am keeping my spirits up and barring the problem of using my wife’s spare laptop which seems to be missing some of the features I have on my computer, (spill kecer seams ti b mussing), I can see I am going to be a little frustrated by the end of my isolation but to put it into perspective, it should be easier than that endured by previous generations who went through the horrors of World War Two for example.

That’s it for now, I look forward to 2021 when my period of incaceration will be over.