The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

Some of you may remember a little while ago I wrote a post which contained lists of the most searched words and phrases used on Google which I placed in an effort to see if it might drive more traffic to my blog in an effort to persuade you all to purchase my latest book, The Case of the Grease Monkey’s Uncle.

You may not be surprised to find that it made absolutely no difference and it was suggested by Peter’s pondering that I might try adding more categories and hashtags, adding that sex may be a good topic to attract readers.

Following this advice I then produced another post, in which I managed to place the words sex, dildo and vagina although from recollection I don’t think I used any hashtags which may explain the post not going viral.

One learns all the time and I find myself constantly being dragged into the 20th Century, I recently found out how to do a print screen thingy and have used it a couple of times in my complaints to Facebook concerning my advertising account being shut down and in some ways I hope I can find the willpower to continue my battle as it’s the only time I use “print screen” and with my memory if I don’t use it, I shall certainly lose it!

My wife has a business called De-Rigueur and does the most remarkable treatments to both enhance the beauty of both her male and female clients and in the removal of any unsightly blemishes they may wish removed she recently purchased a new machine at vast expense to help in that regard.

This morning however she had an online “onboarding meeting” with the supplier of said machine to show her their website and all the useful marketing tools which are available for her to use.

You may remember that some time ago I had to do a “speed awareness course” which required the purchase of a camera for my computer as the course was a “zoom” event, personally I preferred the old fashioned way where you all met in a room and re-enacted scenes from the film, “Twelve Angry Men” (or women) all uttering phrases along the lines of, “can you believe it, I was only doing two mph over the limit, this is bloody ridiculous.”

The purchase of the camera was not wasted as this morning I set it up for my wife to have her “onboarding” meeting, which gave me the opportunity to have a brief moan about modern language, as I have travelled by ship and by plane and have boarded both of these vessels but I have never had occasion to “onboard” either of them.

As the meeting progressed I sat with my wife endeavouring to follow what our young teacher was saying, various pieces of advertising were shown and suggested as suitable for inclusion on her Facebook page etc, including a large passage which contained nothing but words preceded by hashtags; well I thought, if it’s good enough for this young fellow, then it will do for me too.

At this point I was going to attempt to be clever and find all the marketing material, especially the page with all the hashtags and insert it to see if I was suddenly inundated with requests for aesthetic treatments from the proudly British Lynton machine coupled with my wife’s years of professional experience.

Unfortunately, my lack of computer whizkiddery left me unable to find the marketing material to upload which will explain why we have to pay someone else vast amounts to upgrade the website and load all the new stuff on it.

Undeterred, I have not given up on the hashtag plan so I suggest it’s probably best if you cease reading from now on as I intend to place some words with hashtags as phase two of my plan for World Domination.

#Buy my book.

#Buy my book, please!

#Best selling author.

#Best selling book.

#The Case of the Grease Monkey’s Uncle.

#Award winning author.

#Top of the best sellers.

#Hay book festival winner.

#That will do for now!

#If I’m not at the top of the best sellers list by next week, I’ll eat my hat.

#And finally a Logo with no link.

It seems the EU have missed the point of why we left them as it appears, they want us to leave but stay exactly the same as if we hadn’t left and yet I thought we had left because we were fed up with following their rules and laws.

Things don’t seem to be going well with the negotiations and it looks like we will be leaving with no deal which is a shame as I believe we buy a considerable amount of stuff from the EU and having no deal will be a bit of an inconvenience for both sides but I imagine we will still purchase just as much stuff from them and no doubt they will be pleased to sell it to us.

The problem seems to be transporting it from one country to the other and I hear that many companies are looking into the possibility of flying the products over, I’m also led to believe that we currently have a problem at the ports due to the importation of so much PPE due to the Covid-19 situation, which goes to the front of the queue causing a backlog.

Worry not for as usual history will guide us towards a solution and for those of you interested in World War Two, I ask you to cast your mind back to the 1948 and the Berlin Airlift.

After the war the Soviets had blocked the Western Allies access to Berlin which caused us to be somewhat inventive in the solution to the problem and from June 1948 until May 1949 we flew in everything that Berlin required, from fuel to food and even dropping sweets to the children below as the planes came in to land.

So, fear not brave people of the United Kingdom, for surely we shall be as inventive as in 1949 now the boot is on the other foot.

Just a little note to any pilots who may be reading this, should you be passing over our house, my wife and I are rather partial to Cadburys Whole Nut Chocolate.

Just a very quick post here today about Greta Thunberg who is back and is moaning about climate change again.

All I can say, without wishing to be too rude is;

Give it a rest we’re up to our necks in it at the moment, what with Covid-19 and Brexit, why don’t you go to China where there really is pollution and have a go at them, I’m sure they would welcome you with open arms.

Some of you may have been following my problems with my Facebook Ad Account and possibly by now you are nearly as bored with it as I am, for which I apologise, although I have been suffering with the problem since October, so I feel a little justified in being slightly peeved!

I have searched everywhere on my account looking for what I may have done wrong to offend Facebook and have found three previous comments that I made on other posts I have viewed which seem to have violated Facebook’s rather peculiar policy.

The first was a comment on an image which was posted of a rather beautiful seaside beach somewhere exotic with a beautiful blue sea fabulous sandy beach spoilt only by the large collection of plastic rubbish which had washed up there.

My comment was; It doesn’t matter hwere you go nowadays there’s always some idiot who’s got there first and dumpted some shit to spoilt the place!

I can see no reason why this would offend barring the rather hasty typing errors of the words where and dumped.

Secondly, a comment on Prince Harry and Megan leaving England for a life in the USA, where I thought my point of view seemed reasonably fair especially compared to the post I was commenting on.

I think the comment is a tad harsh to say the least, I think it’s sad to see them go they should have found a way to work round their problems and stayed here but it’s their choice so I wish them good luck, sadly I have a feeling they will need it!

Finally, Here is something to put the situation into perspective followed by a link to a post on my blob about Covid-19 which was entitled Coronavirus, we’re all doomed and was a little jokette about a new collection of Dad’s Army stamps.

The only other possible problem may be with one of my children’s books which may be because Facebook seems to think this is somehow offering a service and all I can say is, that if the Facebook algorithms seem to think I am offering the service of flights into space, I haven’t a hope in Hell of ever sorting this problem!

I have a Facebook ad account where I have previously boosted my post of my latest book The Case of the Grease Monkey’s Uncle in a vain attempt to sell more copies.

This has worked on numerous occasions before but suddenly my account has been disabled and I have been unable to get any worthwhile assistance from Facebook help people to either find out why it was disabled nor managed to resolve the issue and start advertising again.

I have chatted on line to various people from Facebook help and on each occasion I have gone round and round in circles being pointed to various online sites and places to request a review but no actual help in solving the problem.

They have indeed been; ABOUT AS MUCH USE AS A CHOCOLATE TEAPOT.

I have contacted them on;

22th October 2020

28th October 2020

7th November 2020

10th November 2020

16th November 2020

18th November 2020

7th December 2020

All in the conversation is 30 pages long and 9647 words long and I was wondering if anyone else has suffered a similar problem.

I was going to include the entire transcript for the benefit of those of you stuck at home in tier 3 with nothing better to do who could while away a couple of hours reading it.

Although, on reflection I was worried some of you may have started to lose the will to live half way through and without immediate professional help from The Samaritans, it might end in tears and as I don’t want any unnecessary deaths on my hands I decided not to include the transcript.

Following on from my post of yesterday I received a comment from one of my followers Peter’s pondering who asked an interesting question and offered some useful advice, although I’m not sure what to do with it.

Peter’s question was; I want to know why Y is above Fox News?

Together with the useful advice; If you really want to attract people add in several categories and tags. SEX may attract many followers!

In the tradition of some of the best politicians I shall start by saying, “I’m frightfully glad you’ve asked me that question,” but unlike politicians I will attempt to answer the question rather than veering off and talking about something else.

Firstly from what I can see the list is in order of popularity and is not alphabetical and from here on in I am relying heavily on guesswork as why anyone should want to Google search Y is beyond me.

Undeterred and not wishing to let my readers down I actually searched Y and found the following, which at least made some sense as to why one would search Y.

Y or y is the 25th and penultimate letter of the ISO basic Latin alphabet and the sixth vowel letter^[1] of the modern English alphabet. In the English writing system, it mostly represents a vowel and seldom a consonant, and in other orthographies it may represent a vowel or a consonant. Its name in English is wye^[2] (pronounced /ˈwaɪ/), plural wyes.^[3]

Further research came up with a rather odd pop video on YouTube called Y which started with a tall slender man sitting on a throne wearing a crown and white underpants, who rose up and walked off stage right carrying what appeared to be a rather large dildo. The video continued with the camera passing a young female singer wearing a blonde wig almost down to her feet and entering what I think was supposed to be a very large vagina made out of tin foil.

The video continued for some time with nothing of much consequence, however I did notice that it had been viewed 56,488,095 times since 4th August 2010, was this because of its content or because it was called Y, who knows, you can see for yourself here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEoGQU_k78k

Finally I ended up on Amazon where I came across a CD for a popular beat combo who were called The Pop Group whose CD was called Y, here is the link should you feel inclined to purchase a copy. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Y-Pop-Group/dp/B000N3TYII

Sadly after all my efforts I am not in a position to explain why Y should appear above Fox News, neither can I explain why anyone would search for Y in the first place.

However I am delighted to report that following Peter’s advice, I have managed to insert the words Dildo and Vagina into a post thereby increasing the Sex content considerably but I am still at a loss as to how to add Tags, you can’t win ’em all!

Yesterday I had a sudden surge of interest for this blog, although I’m sure you won’t be the least bit surprised to know, I haven’t the faintest idea why it happened.

I have a vague idea about key words and SEO which I believe one is supposed to stick up ones back passage and I do have a few words strategically placed but as you can tell from the fact that I do not have millions of followers I have either picked the wrong words, or I am not a mega star reality television person famous for doing nothing.

Undeterred by my lack of fame I thought I would try a little experiment to see if I could boost my followers by cramming this post with the very latest things which are trending on Google to see if the algorithms might find them and push me to the top of wherever the top of the blogging world might be.

I shall slip in a mention of my latest book, The Case of the Grease Monkey’s Uncle in the hope that it is caught in the maelstrom and swept to the top of the best sellers list; you see how I slipped that piece of product placement into the conversation which is now subliminally embedded in your brain, it’s all clever stuff you know.

In an effort to attempt to be slightly scientific I am also going to mention Romain Grosjean the Formula 1 driver who I wrote about in my last two posts just in case this was the trigger for the sudden interest in the blog.

I shall now copy and paste some trending words and phrases together with a Google image which will take up considerable space and be exceedingly boring to read, so I would recommend you cease reading at this point and I will let you know how the experiment went in a post in the following days.

Top 100 Google searches in the US

Top 100 Google searches globally

Most googled questions in the US

Most googled questions globally

I TOLD YOU IT WAS A VERY LONG AND BORING LIST AND I HAVE TO ADMIT I’M SURPRISED TO SEE THAT YOU BOTHERED TO SEE WHAT WAS AT THE BOTTOM, ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO ADMIT MY NATURAL CURIOSITY WOULD HAVE MADE ME LOOK TOO!

Apparently Romain Grosjean suffered the largest G force ever registered after his horrendous 135 mph impact with the track barrier, recorded at 53G.

I was reminded of this when I caught a programme on the television this morning about insurance fraud where people are putting in claims for whiplash when travelling in vehicles at considerably slower speeds, even as low as 20mph.

Romain Grosjean seems to have escaped this 135mph crash with nothing more serious than burns to his hands even after an impact of 53G.

So, next time you receive your car insurance renewal and it seems a little on the expensive side you know who to blame.

If you read the back of your ticket when going to spectate at a motor race it states “Motor Racing is Dangerous” and I think todays crash involving Romain Grosjean can give no better illustration of the truth of that statement.

The picture shows Roman emerging from the flames where his car sliced through the barrier and broke in half splitting the fuel tanks and turning into a blazing inferno.

You can clearly see the rear half of the car and the gash in the barrier where his car left the track, a very rare thing to happen with modern Formula 1 cars.

Roman suffered minor burns and possibly broken ribs and can consider himself to be an extremely lucky young man, I’m very glad to say.

I have been rather busy with other things just recently so have not been following the news that closely but happened to see a news report last night of Mr Trump and I wondered if everyone else is as confused as I am.

The question I have to ask should be quite simple to answer but I would be most grateful to hear other opinions on the matter.

Does Mr Trump actually believe all the nonsense he spouts about the Election being stolen from him by massive fraud etc, for surely if he really does believe it he must truly be as mad as a box of frogs.