The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

Some time ago when we were in the EU the French fishermen were allowed to come into British waters and fish willy-nilly carting off vast amounts of fish, until we finally had enough of it.

We’ve always had trouble with the French, firstly they were always jealous that we had a bigger Empire, then the cheese eating surrender monkeys put up such a dismal fight against the Nazis that they were overrun in a matter of days and yes, I realise the German troops were drugged up to the nines on methamphetamine but you would have thought they could have put up a better fight than they did.

Of course then we, the plucky Brits had to go and rescue them, saving as we did the entire world and what thanks did we get from the French after the war, nothing that’s what, at least the Norwegians gave us a Christmas tree every year.

Then to make matters worse General Charles De Gaulle the leader of the free French who we sheltered after he fled to Britain during the war had the audacity to refuse us entry into the Common Market.

Unfortunately this sort of behaviour is like a red rag to a bull to us British so we fought for years until they finally capitulated and let us join and what a mistake that was and after years of subsidising virtually all of Europe we had finally had enough and we Brexited, taking our fishing rights with us.

Now le botte was dans l’autre foot, non, non Monsieur Frenchie vous n’avez pas le right to steal our poisson from Le Pas-De-Calais or as it is correctly known the Strait of Dover and yet an act of piracy has taken place, they’ve only gone and impounded one of our fishing fleet.

Some years ago this sort of action would have called for the immediate muster of a couple of gun boats to blockade the French ports, an action that could have led to war but nowadays we prefer the diplomatic approach, however if this should fail we may forced into some sort of cod war.

This being the case, I have this to say to the French, we have had many sea battles with you, the majority of which we have won an example of which is of course The Battle of Trafalgar with our cannon balls bouncing across the surface of the sea, long before Barnes Wallis used the idea, leading to the decimation of the French and Spanish fleet.

We are a proud seafaring nation and are up for a fight, are you?

Come on, if you think you’re hard enough!

I believe it was yesterday that a group of Insulate Britain protesters who had blocked the road yet again were squirted with ink by a member of the public, who presumably is sick to death of their actions.

There is little I can add that hasn’t been said already about these people who are gaining enemies daily and losing any support they might have had from the general public, I am still confused as to how stopping traffic and causing pollution can help their argument that the Government should insulate everyone’s house to stop global warming.

As most of these people appear to be of retirement age and certainly seem to have excessive amounts of time on their hands why don’t they do something constructive towards global warming, I suggest they all go home, purchase some insulation and go up into their loft and spend their free time constructively by laying the bloody stuff!

You may be surprised, as I was to discover there is such a thing as an emergency avocado but apparently this tropical fruit is one of the top most ordered items from Waitrose to be delivered by Deliveroo to people desperate for an avocado.

An unlikely item to be ordered by so many I would have thought but no, avocados were among Waitrose’s top five most requested items through the delivery app in every city in the UK and were the most in-demand in Oxford, Cambridge and Brighton.

Strangely the fruit was also popular in the north, with avocados in fourth place in Newcastle and second in Glasgow and Birmingham which one might not have expected although Waitrose suggested the emergency avocado trend was driven by people wanting to enjoy brunch on Saturday or Sunday.

So what conclusions can be drawn from this sudden upsurge in the desperate desire for an avocado and the demographic of the towns who favour this tropical fruit most highly.

All the towns mentioned have top Universities which are all part of the Russell Group except Brighton University which was formed as Brighton School of Art in 1858 and is now a public University based on four campuses in Brighton and Eastbourne, only achieving University status in 1992, however with the town’s high proportion of gay people it is also well known as the gay capital of Great Britain.

So it seems that students from a number of Russell Group Universities and gay people are all partial to an avocado for brunch on Saturday or Sunday, which rather surprises me as the report also found that nearly 70 per cent of Waitrose customers said reducing their climate footprint was very important and are concerned about the environmental damage caused by intensive farming of avocados. 

As the old saying goes, there are lies, damned lies, and statistics and who knows what to believe, it could just be that Russell Group University students and gay people don’t give a damn about the environment as long as they can get their emergency avocados and lie when asked to fill in a questionnaire about the environment, I will leave it to you to decide!

The ULEZ has been in place since April 2019, previously only covering the same area of central London as the Congestion Charge it now includes all areas within the North and South Circular roads allegedly in an attempt to boost air quality.

London’s pollution charge zone for older vehicles has been significantly expanded, affecting tens of thousands of motorists leaving drivers of vehicles which do not comply with minimum emissions standards being charged £12.50 to drive in the Ultra Low Emission Zone, which became 18 times larger on Monday.

So who will not have to pay the charge, petrol cars must meet Euro 4 emissions standards to be ULEZ compliant and most if not all, petrol cars registered since January 2006 meet these standards together with almost every diesel car registered since September 2015, which actually means all cars older than 2006 and all diesel cars older than 2015 will have to pay considerably more to drive should they need to travel to London.

Unfortunately none of my modern cars most of which are 2002/03 will be exempt, although my classics which are cars over 40 years old will not have to pay but as driving a 1947 motorcar in London is an absolutely dreadful experience, one tries never to venture into the Capital.

This leaves me back where I started when the Congestion Charge was first introduced except I now have a considerably larger no-go area in London to avoid or a much lager payment of £27.50 should I go into both zones.

Now I’m loathe to give any money to the awful car hating Mayor of London so I am forced to drive round the Capital and spend my money elsewhere, I have no idea how much pollution I have created by having to drive such a long way round and I have a nasty feeling it will only be a matter of time before we have to take an even bigger diversion when the ULEZ extends to the M25.

I wish the future were bright but I fear not, for I foresee an increase in the use of electric vehicles by a small minority of people with sufficient funds to purchase one, although Lord alone knows where the electricity to charge them is coming from, and the rest of us who either do not want, or cannot afford to get rid of a perfectly decent motorcar whilst the world is awash with fuel.

I’m glad it’s not my idea of progress!

A group of men who dress in women’s clothing to raise money for a local hospice claim they have been told their fundraising is potentially offensive by charity bosses.

The men are members and supporters of Upton Rugby Club and have dressed in drag for charity fundraisers for 18 years having raised more than £40,000 for St Richard’s Hospice but the group claim they have been told their latest efforts cannot by promoted by the hospice because it might offend the LGBT community.

June Patel, St Richard’s chief executive, said they appreciated the group’s fundraising but were striving to be mindful of equality, diversity and inclusion.

Now from my recollection of gay friends I have known, certainly the men are only too happy to dress in drag at the drop of a hat and would socialise in gay bars dressed as such and having seen many a drag act perform before an audience of LGBQ people of both sex I have never seen anyone take offence at a man dressed in a frock!

It seems though that June Patel the Chief Executive of St Richard’s Hospice may well have shot herself in the foot as I believe the rugby players are now looking for another charity who will be only too happy to receive donations from a group of men in frocks and quite right too.

It seems there is a trend at the moment to name boy children LUCIFER and I’m forced to wonder who on earth would name a child Lucifer!

Apparently it follows on from a popular American TV programme which I have a feeling I have had the misfortune to watch as my wife like to relax by watching mind numbing television programmes whilst I am reading my car magazines.

I have very little to say on the subject, except; dreadful TV programme, even worse name for a child!

Insulate Britain protesters have suspended their road blocking protests until 25th October and I for one am very pleased to hear it, especially as I have to use the M25 later in the week.

No reason was given for the suspension but I’m guessing as they have been very active blocking the roads for some considerable time they have by now run out of money and will all have to go home to collect their pensions!

Captain James T Kirk of the USS Enterprise otherwise known as William Shatner has become the oldest man to go into space at 90 years of age following a trip on the Jeff Bezos Blue Origin rocket.

Shatner and his fellow passengers reached an altitude of roughly 350,000ft and a velocity of about 2,000mph although the trip only lasted about 10 minutes before the capsule fell back to Earth with the aid of a parachute.

Apparently they did not reach the final frontier and had no interference from klingons on the starboard bow at all during the flight.

THE INTERNET HAS BEEN OFF ALL DAY, IT FEELS LIKE THE WORLD HAS COME TO AN END.

I’M NOT SURE THAT IT SHOULD BE THAT IMPORTANT BUT SADLY IN MODERN LIFE IT IS!!

A Police officer is currently in Court charged with one count of causing death by dangerous driving and one of causing serious injury by dangerous driving following a high speed chase of a moped.

I’m not sure if one is supposed to comment on a case until after the verdict so all I shall say is this, it seems he was chasing two young men on a moped suspected of a smash and grab theft in the area when they attempted to evade arrest by fleeing from the Police.

Had they not fled the scene at speed there would have been no chase and ultimately no death and no serious injury, so who is actually responsible for the outcome of this chase, I’m afraid it seems to me the moped rider. We shall have to wait and see the outcome of the case.