I found this article on Facebook, originally from the Bexley Gazette which I think may be invaluable for parents of problem children.
Have you got a surly, over-indulged, thoroughly spoilt bastard teenager that you’ve simply had enough of? Well don’t despair, you may qualify for the brand new ‘little shit disposal scheme’ that will be available for all Bexley residents in the coming weeks.
Here’s how it works:
Simply answer YES to 3 or more of the following questions and you may be eligible for a free removal of the ungrateful little oxygen thief from your life forever!
*Unfortunately the scheme is only available for male teenagers between the age of 13 to 16 initially, but it’s hoped that if successful, it will be available for all little shits in the borough by the summer of 2026
Remember, answer YES to 3 of the following questions to qualify:
Does your teenage son..
1. Own every conceivable luxury afforded to them but still remains a vile little bastard with a personality that makes Liam Gallagher seem almost pleasant?
2. Is his room decked out like a Saudi Princes boudoir, with more tech equipment than the Bang and Olufsen stock room?
3. Did his mountain bike, which inexplicably he insists on riding exclusively on the back wheel like some sort of piss poor circus act, whist weaving in and out of traffic on Bexleyheath broadway, cost more than £800?
4. Does the jumped up little hood rat talk with a ludicrous sort of comedy Jamaican style accent, like he’s been given elocution lessons by Ali G?
5. Does he refer to policemen as ‘Feds’ and females as either ‘hoes’ or ‘dem bitches’ describe himself as a ‘roadman’ or has he ever had imaginary ‘beef’ with a rival gang of similar over privileged kids such as the Sidcup Man-dem?
6. Does he wear a ‘man bag’ diagonally across him, usually made by Nike but quite possibly Gucci, which contains the very latest iPhone model, with unlimited minutes and data but is always strangely unavailable, or out of battery, when you try to get hold of the little rat bag?
7. Was he allowed to play the ultra violent video game Grand theft auto from a tender age and is therefore comfortable with the idea of ‘blazin’ pimps, ‘shankin’ hookers and clubbing ‘dem feds’ with baseball bats?
8. Is his name Alfie, Reece or Kyle?
9. Does he swagger down the street, with his Under Armour track bottoms round his arse, like he’s dragging a club foot, with both his hands inside his pants, as if he’s in downtown Los Angeles rather than outside Pets at Home in Crayford?
10. Did he laugh uncontrollably when you suggested that he should perhaps do a paper round, whilst you continue to reward him £100 per week ‘pocket money’ for doing precisely fuck all?
11. Does his musical tastes lean towards drum n bass, whatever that is?
12. Did he demand a £600 stone island tracksuit for Christmas?
13. Has it been over 18months since you’ve had any sort of meaningful conversation with the monosyllabic cocky little bastard?
14. Does he own over 2 grands worth of trainers?
15. Have you ever considered hiring a hitman?
16: Has he been given his very own attention deficit disorder label at school yet?
Please forward the filled in questionnaire to the ‘little shit disposal scheme’ at the Thamesmead crushing facility and a member of the administration team will be in touch.
If successful the offending over indulged little shit will be picked up free of charge and disposed of in an environmentally friendly way, although some of the staff might help out with a good hiding now and again.
We apologise for not being able to accommodate ginger teenagers at this time but their wiry hair clogs up the filter system on the crusher.
Your statutory rights are not affected.
Terms and conditions apply.
The Diary of a Country Bumpkin 