The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

This last week the G7 nations have been swanning about in a rather splendid luxury hotel in St Ives in Cornwall and what a lovely place to have a conference.

I believe climate change has been one of the topics discussed and unfortunately I was not asked to participate which is a great shame as I have just realised I have the solution to global warming.

As the owner of eight cars I consider myself to be extremely green as five of them are classic cars which do extremely low annual mileages and my every day cars are likewise, in fact one of them I took off the road during the recent pandemic as it wasn’t being used at all.

Some may ask why do I consider myself green when I have so many cars, well firstly the greatest amount of pollution from any car comes from its manufacture and very little is added during its lifetime, in fact the longer one keeps a car the greener it comes, which makes my 1947 Bentley the greenest car I own.

I imagine the majority of people have just the one car which means they are adding to pollution on a regular basis whereas when I am out in one of my cars I am helping to save the planet by having the other seven at home not polluting at all.

For all those who think electric cars are not polluting, as I said the most pollution comes in the manufacture of the car in the first place, added to which the Lithium for the batteries is a filthy pollutant and the energy needed to install the chargers and then supply electricity to charge the cars does not always come from green sources.

So, to sum up, there is nothing wrong with diesel or petrol cars or massive aeroplanes flying all over the world, the problem is the fact that the world has too many people, if we had a half or two thirds less people that would cut down the manufacture and use of vast numbers of cars and plane journeys, the only problem is how to rid the world of the people.

In the old days we could kill off millions of people just by having a World War but nowadays even with a long protracted war we still only end up with twenty or so fatalities, modern medical treatment saves thousands on the battlefield who once would have died, which means we need a pandemic like the flu outbreak after World War One which did away with some forty million people.

Even with the current world pandemic we shan’t do away with sufficient numbers of the population to make a significant difference, we are basically too clever for our own good, by saving all these people from war and disease we are condemning the rest of the world to a slow lingering death.

I have a solution which may seem a little severe but desperate times call for desperate measures, I’m calling for volunteers to make the ultimate sacrifice, starting with the old and infirm and working downwards until sufficient numbers have gone, I first thought of this solution to world pollution having read a book about the Nazis in World War Two.

Obviously we don’t want to go too far down the age range, I suggest we stop at all those over seventy one.

There was an item on the television recently asking whether 16 year olds should have the vote, on the grounds that they can have sex, get married (with their parents permission) smoke and I believe they said drink too.

I have to admit the drinking one doesn’t sound quite right but as I’m so far past the age of being able to buy a drink in a pub, I’m almost coming round from the other end.

There was a suggestion that at 16 people were too immature to know what they were thinking with regard to voting and a young spokesperson was put forward to argue the case for the youth vote.

I believe the young lady put forward was called Katie Adsett who was arguing that at 16 she was more than mature enough to vote, however one doesn’t like to judge people on their appearance but we inevitably do and this young lady presented herself with a ring through her nose, a piercing through her eyebrow and one under her bottom lip and I believe she had her ear lobe stretched with a ring thingy.

Whether this look is the look of a immature young girl or that of a fully mature adult sufficiently old enough to get the vote, I will leave you to decide but I suspect in later years when she is older she may change her look.

I had thought she had done her case no favours when she argued that 16 year olds were old enough in law to have children, although whether one would be thought of as mature if you chose to have a child at 16 I couldn’t possibly say.

A recent tweet by a young person proclaimed he had been somewhat taken by surprise when one of the questions on his recent job application form was, what did you do during lockdown to pursue any passion projects or personal development.

From the fact that he was taken by surprise by this question suggests that his time during lockdown was not spent all that constructively following his dream of a lifetime, which leaves him facing the fact that he may have tell a little porky pie in his attempt to attain gainful employment.

I went to Peru and discovered a lost tribe, or I walked the entire length of the foothills of the Himalayas and after that I was lucky enough to get a seat on the Elon Musk Starship SN15 and have been chosen for the first trip to Mars, or I rowed Greta Thunberg across the Atlantic on a sustainable bamboo raft.

Our inability to go anywhere during lockdown means none of these are going to wash, so something literally nearer to home will have to be invented, more along the lines of I learnt the Chinese language of Mandarin, or I wrote three spy novels which have proved so successful they are to be made into films when lockdown is over all from the safety of my bedroom.

Obviously those who have actually done something constructive during lock down will be first in the queue for jobs but sadly those whose idea of passion projects or personal development is, I slept most of the day, texted friends in the afternoon, then sent pictures of my genitalia to all the attractive girls at school and finally spent my time until the early hours of the morning gaming until I finally fell asleep may find them selves at the back of the queue, or lying on their CV.

Apparently Prince Harry is suing the BBC after it was alleged that he didn’t ask permission from the Queen to name his latest child Lilibet which used to be Prince Philips pet name for the Queen.

How sad to see this fellow who has been in the Americas for such a comparatively short period of time and yet already he is getting the gist of the American way of life by becoming a litigious complainant, having an American child and will no doubt soon be speaking American too.

Sad, to think of what might have been had he and Meghan remained in Great Britain.

It is alleged the pair are trying their utmost to maintain good relationships with the Royal family, which leaves me to think, if this is their best thank God they are not trying to make a complete pigs ear of it.

Today’s, bonkers story of the day concerns the clock at All Saints Church in Kenton, Devon which has been silenced by one complaint from someone in the village, yes that’s right one person, you couldn’t make this sort of story up!

Following a complaint to Teignbridge District Council the church clock which uses the church bells when it chimes has been deemed a noise nuisance and could be served with a noise abatement notice.

The clock was put in the church in 1910 and there has never been a complaint in all the years it has been there, until I imagine some very strange person moved into the village and it is now threatened with being silenced even though all the rest of the residents are perfectly happy with the bells.

Which leaves me with nothing more to say, except to state the bleeding obvious, if you don’t like the sound of church bells, don’t move into a village with a clock which uses the church bells when it chimes.

That is the end of the bonkers story of the day!

A driver was sacked after he was seen drinking in a social club having told his employer he was too ill to work.

Colin Kane, who is 66 and has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease was fired by Debmat Surfacing in Gateshead, after he was seen smoking outside a social club in March 2020.

Judge Andrea Pitt ruled that Mr Kane had been unfairly dismissed as he was found not to have broken the company’s rules and that the firm had not undertaken a fair disciplinary process.

Mr Kane was seen by Debmat Surfacing’s contracts manager Shaun Johnson outside a social club near his workplace on 9 March last year despite having told bosses he had been “bad in bed all day with his chest”.

He later denied being in the club on the day in question, although he admitted he was there the following day.

It was said that Mr Kane had been seen several times drinking and smoking at the club while he was off work and was told: “Surely if you had been unfit for work and on antibiotics, you shouldn’t be in the pub.”

However, Mr Kane told the company hearing that he had only been there for a short while, and he saw nothing wrong with it, although his employer took a different view and he was fired for a “breach of trust and dishonesty”.

It was put to the claimant he should not be in a public house because he was absent and unable to work through ill health, although the Judge said there was nothing in the disciplinary procedure prohibiting an employee from acting in this way.

She noted flaws in the firm’s investigations and said its disciplinary procedure fell below the standard of a reasonable employer and ruled that the claimant was unfairly dismissed.

Now, call me old fashioned but in my book any employee who blatantly lies to his boss that he is unfit to work and that he is on antibiotics due to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and then goes to the pub and lies about that too and sees nothing wrong with his actions is exactly the sort of person who deserves his marching orders without a question of a doubt.

I know when I was working behaviour like this would have got you sacked at the drop of a hat, sadly I suppose it’s only a matter of time before he demands compensation for wrongful dismissal.

What a strange world we are now living in!

Problems with discussions on the implementation of the Northern Ireland Protocol – which includes controversy over sausages were said to be “frank and honest” but had concluded with “no breakthroughs” according to Brexit minister Lord Frost.

Whilst there were no breakthroughs, Lord Frost said “there aren’t any breakdowns either” and that talks would continue, “the problem we’ve got is the protocol is being implemented in a way which is causing disruption in Northern Ireland.”

At least talks are ongoing as there had been some suggestion that gangs were being organised with a view to smuggling the sausages into Northern Ireland by professional drug mules although there was no mention as to where the sausages were to be secreted!

Apparently students at Magdalen College have voted to remove a portrait of the Queen from their College Middle Common room, it seems they think the image represents colonialism.

The President of Magdalen College Dinah Rose said that the students were not representative of the college but supported their right to free speech and political debate.

It seems the photo was purchased in 2013 and one assumes has been in place since that date only recently has it been removed and will be safely stored.

Ms Rose continued, “Being a student is about more than studying. It’s about exploring and debating ideas. It’s sometimes about provoking the older generation.

“Looks like that isn’t so hard to do these days.”

It is always easy to provoke the older generation but these students should not forget that it is only a matter of time before they are the older generation for we all become our mothers or fathers eventually and then they will become the group who are clamouring for the reinstatement of the Queen’s photograph.

I have always thought that the modern idea of everyone going to University unlike the old days where only the top 2% of the most intelligent went would lead to a dumbing down of the system and sadly I think this story proves my case.

From a personal perspective I certainly hope lockdown ends on 21st June as I have tickets for the Goodwood Festival of Speed in early July, however the Government has the figures on the latest Covid numbers but it’s looking less optimistic than it was.

Not long ago vast numbers of football fans went to Portugal to watch a football match and I believe on the way out and on entry to Portugal they had to show a negative Covid test but from what I could see from news items of the fans behaviour, there wasn’t a great deal of social distancing from these predominantly fairly young and one must assume unvaccinated people.

I believe that on their return a similar test was required and should it prove positive they would have to isolate themselves for a period of time, a similar system was in place for travellers to India before that too became a red, no go destination.

Now it seems to me that as everything is now computerised, including one’s passport details, that the government must have a fairly good idea of who went where and who came back with Covid and I imagine there is a good chance they know who is not obeying the rules and self isolating.

Logic would seem to dictate that there was a rise in cases of Covid from people returning from India and Portugal as they are both now red no go countries.

So to sum up, if we don’t have an end to the lockdown on 21st June it will be because of the selfish people who went to India and Portugal and caught Covid and perhaps helped to spread it upon their return.

Now I’m not saying I’m a vindictive man but we know who you are and where you live, well the Government does and all it takes is one whistle blower to make public the list, on the other hand perhaps we will get our freedom and all you people on the list will breath a sigh of relief and be able to sleep soundly in your beds. Let’s hope so!

I wonder if there are awards for the worst customer service companies in Great Britain for if there are I would like to nominate Vodafone, yet again.

With all the woke people around one has to choose one’s words carefully nowadays for fear of offending “everyone” but having just spent the last four or more hours wasting my time with Vodafone I have to say, please get rid of your useless foreign call centres with people who don’t have a sufficiently decent grasp of the English language to solve the problem.

To cut a long story short and I fear I have to as I am in great need of a lay down in a darkened room to calm my frazzled nerves and all I wanted to do was cancel my broadband.

My first phone call with Vodafone went fairly smoothly if not dramatically quickly but at least the end result was that I had cancelled my broadband which meant they would cancel the phone line as well.

Having spoken to my wife we came to the conclusion that it would be a good idea if we could keep the phone line as it’s always useful to have two in case one goes down so I set about trying to find a supplier for just the phone line, not that easy as it turned out, which left me with the brainwave perhaps Vodafone would allow us to keep just the phone line.

I’m sorry if this is becoming a little tedious but I have to get this out of my system in an effort to reduce my blood pressure, where was I, ah yes another phone call to Vodafone sadly this time to a foreign call centre which after much toing and froing resulted in the young lady informing me that they were unable to supply the landline only whereupon I said thanks and left the conversation.

Some time later I came to the conclusion that BT were the only company willing to supply a landline only in my area and I was in the middle of filling in the relevant form when an email pinged up informing me that Vodafone were delighted I had changed my mind and were no longer leaving them.

Three or four attempts to phone Vodafone ended each time with the line just cutting off, so I resorted to email and after eventually completing the security checks I finally got to chat with another fellow in foreign climes who managed to get the gist of my complaint and that I wanted to confirm that I still wanted to cancel my broadband but he informed me that I could only do it on the phone.

Having spent a further 15 or 20 minutes trying to get through on the telephone but as each time it just cut off so I was unable to get through to sort the problem, I finally threw in the towel and in an effort to remain positive used my experience as a subject for this post.

My blood pressure is coming down slowly and as they say, “I’m feeling a little better now, thank you Doctor,” although rather worryingly these are said to be the last words of many a poor soul, hopefully I shall not myself be drawn towards the light as I have to go though all this again tomorrow.

Vodafone, nil points.