The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

This is a very quick post today and is fairly self explanatory, I came across the following photograph of two large cardboard boxes I believe it was on Facebook together with the following request.

Are these large boxes of any use to anyone, you will have to pick them up or I will drive them to the dump for recycling.

Now, I have to admit I am no fan of Greta Thunberg and her friends at Save the World, or whatever it’s called but even I can work out that either expecting someone to drive round and pick up two cardboard boxes, or drive them to the dump, is not the way to save the planet.

You could try what I do and cut them up with a Stanley knife and place them in the recycling bin for the dustman to collect, or you could use the knife to cut arm holes and a larger hole for your head to poke out and cycle round to the tip, there is a modicum of danger in this method in that you could fall off your bicycle and be run over but at least you can die happy knowing you have done your bit to save the planet.

There has been a bit of a rumpus concerning an announcement on a LNER train recently in which the words, “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls” was objected to by a non binary passenger.

Now, as an older fellow I was a little confused as to what a non binary person may be, as my only contact previously with the word binary was some vague recollection of a connection with computer stuff and had something to do with 0 (zero) and 1 (one) but this was obviously of no use at all in identifying what a non binary person was, so I reverted to the interweb.

Low and behold there is reams of information on non binary people, unfortunately none of it was any help at all and just seemed to muddy the waters, you can make your own mind up from some of the following.

Just as a bit of a clue, I believe binary is what they describe men and women as, what most of us consider to be the norm by way of describing people of a different sex, so I’m guessing that people who are non binary are neither Arthur nor Martha as the saying goes.

There’s No Such Thing As “Looking Non-Binary”

Most people understand that you don’t have to wear dresses to be a cis woman or wear pants to be a cis man. Yet many people seem to believe you need an androgynous style to be non-binary, creating the assumption that non-binary people who wear women’s clothes must be women.

In an effort to make sense of this I looked up cis and apparently it is someone whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth, rather like the vast majority of the population.

Being Non-Binary Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Have Any Other Gender Identity

Some people identity as non-binary and as a man or woman or trans or something else, one can identify as a non-binary woman or man because, this identity acknowledges both that you don’t have an innate identification with any gender and that you’ve been socialized as a woman or a man.

Having more than one gender identity means different things to others, one can identify as both non-binary and a woman to acknowledge that one loves one’s female-coded body but doesn’t always feel it accurately represents you.

Unfortunately there was no description as to what would accurately represent someone in this predicament, so I am unable to add anything which may help you in making any sense of the previous two sentences.

Not All Non-Binary People Go By They/Them Pronouns

Non-binary people can also have a variety of pronouns. Some go by they/them, some go by she/her, some go by both, and some go by more than that. The only way you can know is to ask.

As they say the only way to know is to ask, although I have absolutely no idea what the question might be.

We Are Not All Intersex, Transgender, or Anything Else People Assume We Are

There’s some confusion about what it means to be non-binary. Some equate it with being intersexed, that is, having a body not traditionally classified as male or female but it has nothing to do with your biology.

Intersex people can be non-binary, but so can people who are not intersex. Others equate being non-binary with being transgender for example identifying with a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth. Some non-binary people feel this definition applies to them, but others don’t.

There was reams and reams more but I was beginning to lose the will to live so stopped as I didn’t want to endanger my mental health. As they say, there is some confusion about what it means to be non-binary, which is very much an understatement as far as I can see, so I shall endeavour to sum up.

From what I can gather from all this, you can be male complete with all the gentleman’s paraphernalia or female with all the ladies downstairs bits, transsexual, LGBTQ, unsure if you’re Norris or Doris, in fact virtually anything from a cabbage to a baboon as long as you don’t think of yourself as a man or a woman.

I’m guessing that the percentage of the population who fit this criteria is exceedingly small and yet because one of them has complained about a train announcement using the words, “good afternoon ladies and gentlemen” the vast majority of us will no longer be able to hear those words uttered on a train again, which seems a bit of a shame as I thought it was quite a pleasant way of addressing all the people on the train.

There was a survey today which offered a list of things which officially make you posh which was rather useful as my plan of action for today was to wash a couple of my cars, however it hasn’t stopped raining all morning so I decided to while away some time completing the survey in a vain attempt to prove that I am as posh as I think I am.

You went to boarding school.

There, I’ve fallen at the first hurdle, I went to Haberdashers Askes School which was a decent enough school and my father wanted us boys to board, however I was adopted and my mother was extremely protective so I’m afraid to say I didn’t board.

Had I have boarded it might well have made a man of me but as my mother was over protective, as a young person I had very little self confidence although as I have reached 70 it’s probably safe to say I now have far too much confidence for my own good.

You have antiques and family heirlooms.

This is very much a matter of opinion as I would answer yes, however my wife tends to view my treasured family heirlooms as a load of old junk, but as they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

You have a wine cellar.

We do not have a wine cellar although we have a large collection of wine in what might be termed the boot room.

You have paintings of your ancestors.

I’m afraid I don’t have any paintings of my ancestors, I have quite a few photographs of my grandparents and parents, two I particularly like are those of my father and my grandfather in their military uniform, although all these wonderful photographs also come under my wife’s category of junk.  

You belong to an old private members club.

I belong to the Bentley Drivers Club which is the closest thing you can get to an old members club which probably explains my wife’s reluctance to join me at our monthly meetings.

You NEVER discuss money.

We only ever discuss money when it’s necessary for example when we have to pay for something, which usually involves the phrase, “how much!” I believe to be properly posh with regard to money one should never pay tradesmen or your tailor.

You call your parents ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’, even when you are an adult.

I used to call my parents Ma and Pa although I have no idea where that came from, I think it was an abbreviated version of Mama and Papa.

You have a family coat of arms.

Sadly, I do not have a coat of arms which I have to admit is a tad lacking, especially as I have purchased a Lordship from the Principality of Sealand an off shore war time fort off the coast of Essex, I feel Lord Joe Wells should have one though.

You ride horses.

I have never ridden a horse for I have no need to as I have a Bentley Arnage with a 6.75 Litre engine and a turbo charger which has more than enough horsepower for me.

Your dinner parties are catered.

Yes, my dinner parties are catered by my wife who is an extremely good cook and is far cheaper than staff.

You know how to eat properly with a knife and fork (and would never say cutlery).

I do know how to eat properly with a knife and fork, I progressed many years ago from a silver spoon and pusher, although once again this item still remains in my collection of antiques and heirlooms.

You have a gardener.

Yes, we have a gardener, we call him “Mellors” although I have no idea what his real name is.

You call dinner ‘supper’.

What else would one call it?

You have silver.

As I mentioned before, I have a spoon and pusher together with a napkin ring and an egg cup all the silver implements a young child needs to sustain himself into adulthood.

You send proper invites to parties in the post.

In Victorian times one could post an invitation to one’s Maiden Aunt to come for afternoon tea but as the postal service is not what it was, we now resort to email which I agree is nowhere near as posh.

You have a family tree.

As I was adopted, I am lucky in that I have two family trees, on one I am Joseph Charles Wells 3^rd and on the other I am Michael Nolan 2^nd which is more than enough for any man.

You shoot.

I have never shot either clays or game, I did however once shoot my brother on the forehead with an air pistol.

You ski.

I have been skiing twice but I was a teenager at the time and have very little recollection of it apart from the extremely old-fashioned boots and fixings.

You wear tweed jackets.

I have an extensive collection of tweed suits and jackets, so I can make some attempt at looking posh even though I seem to be failing miserably with this questionnaire.  

You call everyone darling.

As a legacy from my days as an actor I do call people darling, that and the fact that I have an abysmal memory for people’s names.

You play croquet.

I do not play croquet although I would love to, but as “Mellors” only seems to be equipped with a lawn mower and no roller our extensive lawn is far too undulation for the purpose.

You ask people, ‘where did you school?’

I have to admit, I don’t.

You call Champagne ‘Champers.

I usually call Champagne, “shampoo” although once again I have no idea where the expression came from, let’s hope it isn’t some awful working-class affectation.

You call the toilet ‘the loo’.

I do call the toilet the loo, also the khazi.

You drive an old Land Rover Defender.

I have quite a few different cars and one I would love to add to my collection is a short wheelbase Land Rover.

You wear an old Barbour jacket.

Yes, I do have a couple of Barbour jackets, how can one live in the country and not have one.

You know Latin.

I know very little Latin, however these two may be of use should you need them, firstly, “never look a gift horse in the mouth,” Noli equi denti inspicere donate and secondly “always in the shit, only the depth varies,” semper in excretia sumus, solim profundum variat.

You have shelves full of books.

Along with absolutely everybody who is interviewed on television we have a rather lovely bookcase full of antique books which is right behind me and would be perfectly in shot should I have occasion to be interviewed on television in the modern zoom call fashion.

You eat partridge and grouse.

I’m afraid I have never eaten either of these, I have trouble dealing with a fishbone when having a fish supper let alone trying to cope with a mouth full of lead shot when trying to eat game.

You call their friends by their second names.

This is a legacy from schooldays but I am so far away from those years that anyone I would have called by their second name would have fallen by the wayside by now.

You are good at small talk.

I’m good at trivia although I’m not sure that is quite the same thing.

You have a double-barrelled name.

I suppose I could join my birth and adopted name and call myself Wells-Nolan although it seems to me that far from being posh to have a double-barrelled name nowadays is generally a lower-class habit signifying that the parents are not married.

You love cricket.

I love the idea of cricket as it is such a British institution, I feel sure that when I am asked to become a member of the MCC I shall be a regular at Lords and as someone who loves a blazer, I shall be delighted to wear theirs.

You wear a gilet.

I have on occasions worn a gilet.

You like rugby but not football.

I have to say I am not a great fan of rugby and I absolutely loath football and can remember many a happy hour when at school round the back of the pavilion having a crafty fag whilst these activities were taking place.

You say ‘napkin’ instead of ‘serviette’.

Yes, I do say napkin.

You laugh very loudly.

I’m not aware that I laugh very loudly but just because I am not aware does not mean I am not doing it.

You have an Aga.

Although we live in the countryside, we do not have an Aga and during the last year or so we have given up using our log burning stove in the kitchen much to the chagrin of my wife who very much enjoyed it, I have to say it was given up more as it was a very expensive hobby than as a means to stop global warming.

You prefer loose leaf tea to tea bags.

I’m afraid that I make my tea rather like dishwater in that I use vast amounts of milk making it very weak, there is no chance of my tea ever getting described as a cup of builders, so loose leaf would be wasted on me.

You live in wellies.

I do not live in wellies, although I have a pair of boots that I wear all time, in fact I imagine most people who come to the house think I am a tradesman of some sort and are quite surprised when they catch me in a tweed suit with all the trimmings.

Having completed the questionnaire and had a quick head count although not striving for complete accuracy as too many negative answers may have led to disappointment, I seem to have scored 15 yes, 9 no and 19 perhaps which makes me virtually posh in my own mind at least and it has stopped raining now so as I’m currently dressed like the dustman I think this may be a good opportunity for me to take the bins out.  

Having completed the survey which clearly points to the fact that I have ideas above my station I’m thinking I should have a man for that sort of thing!

I caught an episode of the TV programme Rip off Britain today which had an item about insurance companies writing off peoples cars when they had an accident and paying out very little for the written off vehicle when it would have been possible to repair it.

Having seen the item there was one of the stories that made me wonder who was trying to perpetrate the rip off, although often with reporting on television it is hard to get to the truth as they frequently don’t tell the full story.

The case in question involved a father and son whose Range Rover would not start and according to the story the AA took it away to repair it under their insurance which seemed a little odd as I would have thought the correct thing to do would have been to take it to a Range Rover garage if it needed repair.

It transpired later that the vehicle had suspension damage as well as the problem of not starting so the insurance company wrote it off and I believe attempted to pay the father and son an amount which they said was not the true value of the vehicle and they thought it was worth considerably more.

The story didn’t seem to make sense to me from the start but I may have got the wrong end of the stick but I believe the father and son were implying that the suspension had been damaged when the Range Rover was taken away by the AA.

I am what might be described as a petrolhead, in that I have quite a few cars and appreciate and understand the workings of them and everything that goes with maintaining a car properly.

This story just didn’t ring true and I thought that reading between the lines it felt more like the father and son had damaged the Range Rover before calling the AA to say it wouldn’t start and were actually the ones that were trying a scam, I could be completely wrong but it just felt like that.

There are a considerable number of scams going round at the moment, from the one from HMRC that you need to pay your tax and the one from the Post Office which says you need to pay the postage for a parcel you are expecting which tend to make one sceptical about everything.

I have been around for quite a few years now so have developed a bit of a feel for things that aren’t quite right and often if something doesn’t feel right it frequently isn’t right, as they say if something seems to good to be true it probably is.

With every passing day the world becomes more and more completely and utterly barmy and the new “progressive and inclusive” England Football badge is yet another example of this lunacy.

It seems the new badge is designed as a grassroots initiative and has replaced the old three lions logo with a lion, a lioness and a cub although without being told that is what they are I very much doubt if most people would have realised.

I have mentioned before that I am virtually the only man in this country that cannot stand football but even I am having trouble seeing why you would replace the traditional “three lions” that I believe came from Henry VIII as a battle standard to be held proudly in the air as you charge into battle, or the field at Wembley.

Apparently the badge is supposed to depict an adult male, a female and a young child and is to promote progression and inclusivity, which seems a little odd to me as I would have thought all three of these groups of people are already playing football and have been accepted many years ago.

You may when viewing the new badge be somewhat surprised to known that it took 18 months of work by London design agency Matta, to knock up something I could have scribbled on the back of an envelope whilst having a quick pint in the pub.

The FA said “it would give the Three Lions a fresh purpose that symbolises inclusivity at all levels of football…to form the iconic England crest with no boundaries – representing everyone at every level of football across the country.”

They continued with more modern nonsense speak by saying, “England Football will leverage the strength and popularity of England teams to inspire future generations and positively impact grassroots participation.”

“This is a significant change as we unite all our grassroots initiatives and programmes under one banner. England Football will harness the unique ability of the England teams to inspire future generations and positively impact participation at all levels of the game.”

Where on earth do they get the people who write this gibberish?

Call me a cynical old bugger if you like but I’m just wondering if this is a belated April fool prank or just a hard headed business ploy to sell more shirts in an attempt to recoup their losses from the Covid situation due to the lack of spectators at the matches.

All I can say is I am available for the next time they might wish to design a new logo, I have a pencil and I have an envelope, I know how to get to the pub and I’m free for the next 18 months, although looking at the old logo I’m reminded of the old adage, “if it ain’t broke, it don’t need fixing.”

A race row has erupted by Channel 5 casting a black actress, Jodie Turner-Smith in their new period drama about Anne Boleyn with white folk complaining that it is completely wrong to cast a black actress for a character who was white.

The argument being that there would be an outcry if you were to cast, Rosa Parks, Nelson Mandela, or Martin Luther King as a white person which seems to make sense.

I think they have a very reasonable case, however there is far worst news to come, for some bright spark has come up with the suggestion to replace willow, the traditional wood for cricket bats with bamboo.

No wonder it has caused outrage amongst the world and especially the traditional British cricket community, even though the new bats will be saving the Universe apparently by being more sustainable and all the usual arguments that the greens come up with for ruining everyone’s fun, I find it hard to imagine a few cricket bats making a major saving towards global warming.

This just won’t do, how can we sit around the village green in our deckchairs watching the Sunday match without hearing the traditional crack as the bat makes contact with the ball, “the sound of leather on willow.” No Sir, this will not do, “the sound of leather on bamboo,” is anathema to any right minded cricket spectator.

I did warn in the title of this post that, “there is worse to come,” but let’s hope the idea comes to naught before there is rioting in the streets.

Apparently there has been some research which recently said that listening to heavy metal music made you fat and I believe they said if you want to remain slim you should listen to classical music.

It seems the heavy metal music stimulates the body to produce a chemical reaction which makes you rush off after the concert to ram a double cheese burger whopper with large fries and a bucket full of full strength Coca-Cola down one’s gob.

In my youth I used to go to many loud music concerts of what would have been termed heavy metal and I must say I have no recollection of having the desire to rush off to McDonalds afterwards, although in fairness in those days I used to smoke 80 Marlboro a day which had a dulling effect on one’s appetite and we didn’t have fast food outlets open late at night as we do now.

For some strange reason this phenomenon only seems to apply to the audience as a large percentage of the bands who play this type of music are mostly stick thin, take for example the Rolling Stones who I imagine must rush off stage as soon as the concert is finished and straight into the green room to listen to a selection of classical music and eat salad.

I have just come across a petition to stop the building of a new Royal Yacht which is said to be costing 200 million and to be named after Prince Philip, I am delighted to report that so far the petition has received a paltry 35,000 signatures.

Personally I think building a new ship is a rather splendid idea and if the vessel proves to be as useful as the previous Royal Yacht Britannia will be money well spent.

Her Majesty’s Yacht Britannia was in service form 1954 until 1997 and during those 43 years she sailed more than a million nautical miles and was designed to be converted into a hospital ship in times of war and to transport the Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh to safety off the north west coast of Scotland in the event on a nuclear war.

During her time as the Royal Yacht, Britannia transported the Queen and other members of the Royal Family and dignitaries on 696 foreign trips, steaming 1,087,623 nautical miles and helping to earn millions by promoting British industry abroad and is still earning money as a visitor attraction moored in the Port of Leith, Edinburgh.

I feel that should the new yacht be commissioned and be as successful as the previous one, even at 200 million it would be money well spent, I look forward to seeing her.

Today is VE Day, Victory in Europe Day, when on Tuesday 8th May 1945 the Allies accepted the unconditional surrender of Germany bringing an end to the Second World War in Europe causing massive celebrations all over Great Britain and around the world.

It took a few more months before the Japanese surrendered in August 1945 before the war was completely over but today social media is awash with comments about VE Day and quite rightly so.

I wonder though how many young people are marking the day, for I have come across many teenagers and 20 year olds who have no idea what VE Day is and while I can perhaps understand them not knowing, I am frequently surprised to find 30 and 40 year olds who I would have thought were closer to someone who would have fought and would know.

Those of us who are older, myself having just turned 70 last week and had a Grandfather who fought in the First World War and a father who fought in the Second World War are all to aware of VE Day and what it must have meant to those who were alive at the time.

When older people talk of “the War,” we all know what they are referring to but as time passes it seems fewer and fewer people are aware of the events that enabled them to be free today, which seems rather sad to me.

The same situation seems to be happening in the classic car world with the young showing little interest in potentially taking on the ownership of our old cars when we finally pop our clogs.

It seems to be a sad reflection on the youth of today that they are more concerned with smashing and taking down statues which tell the story of the history of the country or abolishing cars with an internal combustion engine rather than preserving them for future generations.

I wonder whether future generations will have actually achieved anything that is worth preserving or celebrating, I have to say I have my doubts.

Labour has taken a severe thrashing in the latest local elections with the Conservatives sweeping the board and taking Hartlepool, Redditch and Nuneaton and Bedworth in the Midlands and Northumberland together with Harlow in Essex.

There was some suggestion that their election battle cry, “vote Labour and have your breakfast in bed,” had not helped matters.

Diane Abbott, MP and Socialist member of the Labour party, frequently lambasted for some of her comments which suggest she may not be the full shilling, said it was not possible to blame Jeremy Corbin for the results.

Well, if it’s not Diane Abbots fault, nor Jeremy Corbin one has to look elsewhere and find another who is responsible for the crumbling of the Red Wall.

One doesn’t like to be unnecessarily beastly but perhaps the problem my lay at the door of Sir Kier Starmer, Captain Hindsight as he is otherwise known, who is always droning on about how we should have dealt with the Covid pandemic.

It may come as a surprise to Sir Kier that we can all be wise after the event, however I imagine most of us could do it with a little more character, sadly this man has the charisma of a rather dull roll of wallpaper, which may go some considerable way to explain Labour’s recent crashing defeat.