The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

The FAKE NEWS of the day today concerns the petrol price war between Saudi Arabia and Russia and the glut of oil which they have flooded the market with causing petrol prices to plummet.

I went out today for my daily exercise on my trusty bicycle and came across this on a local garage forecourt.

I know many an owner of classic cars who are now champing at the bit longing to take advantage of these extremely low prices and take their beautiful cars for a spin, although I can’t imagine that they will remain at four shillings, and four pence ha’penny for long.

That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio.

Today’s FAKE NEWS, China has ceased the lock down in Wuhan allowing some 11 million people back on the streets, stating there have been no new cases reported and all is well.

The official figures were.

Confirmed    81,802

Recovered    77,279

Died                 3,333

The official Chinese figures for the country state that there have been 81,802 confirmed cases of Coronavirus and 77,279 have recovered but sadly 3,333 have died. These figures seem remarkably small for a country with an estimated population of 1.44 billion people and what makes matters even worse is their rather shabby arithmetic, or lack of accurate figures.

If you add the figures for the dead and the recovered you get a figure of 80612 which is a shortfall of 1190 who it seems have been confirmed but have neither died nor recovered, who therefore still have the virus. This is like one of those school maths questions; If it takes three Chinese men to dig a grave how many does it take to dig 1190.

To present the figures as so many confirmed, recovered and dead and not mention those who one assumes still have it and are fighting for their lives seems a little like creative accounting, the figures don’t seem to add up correctly or to put it another way; “to lose one is unfortunate but to lose 1190 seems like carelessness.”

I hope that when they release the 11 million people of Wuhan province these 1190 people don’t come out with them, especially as they seem to have resumed air flights too.

That is pretty much the end of the FAKE NEWS of today and I hand you back to the studio with the old saying ringing in my ears; “I WOULDN’T TRUST THEM AS FAR AS I COULD THROW THEM!

I was just thinking about a possible FAKE NEWS conspiracy theory concerning Coronavirus and the forthcoming Pink Moon scheduled for 8th April.

Could it be that Coronavirus was brought to the Earth by aliens and they intend to invade on the forthcoming date in April?

STOP IT, STOP IT, I’M GETTING A LITTLE BIT TOO STIR CRAZY HERE. IF I CARRY ON LIKE THIS MUCH LONGER THEY WILL BE ASKING ME TO PUT A SHIRT ON BACK TO FRONT AND CARTING ME AWAY!! CALM DOWN MAN, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, IT’S JUST FAKE NEWS.

This is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio.

I took the opportunity to get my hair cut when I was at Frisking the Whiskers recently and I must say I was very pleased with the results, although it felt a little strange to be paying good money for the sort of haircut I would have paid good not to have when I was younger.

Forgive the awful photo which really does not do justice to the haircut which has grown somewhat since it was originally done and now has the benefit of a parting being added.

As you can see from my rather scruffy appearance I don’t dress in forties clothes all the time as some people do but I am beginning to see how it can quite easily take over your life.

My problem now is how to maintain my new short back and sides which is unfortunately already showing signs of requiring a trim and obviously all the barbers are shut.

We used to have three poodles which have unfortunately left us over the years but my wife still has the clippers she used to use occasionally to give the dogs a trim so if this Corona lark goes on much longer I can see myself having to have a short back and poodle cut.

God forbid it should go on so long that I revert to the shoulder length hair I used to sport in the 70’s, that’s definitely not a look for a man of my age!

It seems people have been going out again and breaking the current Government Coronavirus rules on keeping safely apart and not gathering together in groups.

If you continue to act like children and spoil it for the rest of us, it will only be a matter of time before we have a complete enforced lock down.

DO NOT ACT LIKE CHILDREN OR YOU WILL BE TREATED LIKE CHILDREN.

FAKE NEWS of the day today concerns the story of vast numbers of the public breaking the rules of the UK Government  and rushing out to congregate in public places.

Apparently the parks and public places are full of people socialising and others gathering in family gardens to have barbecues with relatives and friends.

Sorry, news just in we have made a mistake this is not a true story this is indeed FAKE NEWS, this story is not due to take place until the weekend when the weather is going to be considerably warmer.

STAY AT HOME, SAVE THE WORLD.

This is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio.

I’m a little confused today as to what the FAKE NEWS actually is but I will just present the facts as best I can and leave it up to you to decide who is telling the truth.

The Government have said they are doing their best to secure ventilators and testing kits and all the necessary paraphernalia that goes with them to save the lives of patients and staff alike and I must say I’m inclined to think they are telling the truth.

Surprisingly all I seem to see from the press of this country is criticism of the Governments actions suggesting there are plenty of these articles readily available and we should have them by now.

It seems to me that the only way we can tell who is telling the truth or who is writing FAKE NEWS is to offer a challenge to the British Press as they can easily afford to take up my suggestion.

To the British Press I say, if this equipment is as readily available as you make out YOU GO OUT AND BUY THE RUDDY STUFF AND PROVE IT!!

That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio.

Due to the current lock down situation garden centres all over the country are in danger of losing all their current stock of plants worth hundreds of thousands of pounds, this being their busiest time of the year.

Sadly with no staff to look after the plants considerable numbers of them will die from neglect, however quite a large proportion of them have caught Coronavirus and evolved into massive man eating triffids and are roaming the country looking for victims, the police have warned that should you see one you should run for your life.

That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

Breaking FAKE NEWS, an accident has befallen the man who used to be Prince Harry who was with his wife Meghan at the time, it seems the unfortunate occurrence happened following their move to Los Angeles.

After much controversy concerning who would pay for their security it was announced that the couple would be paying for their own security, however it has been reported that the unfortunate Harry has shot himself in the foot, no further details are available at the moment but it is thought the injury is not life threatening.

A spokesperson for his Grandmother, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth said, “The Queen did warn him of the pitfalls of his move to the Colonies and is very sad that he has shot himself in the foot.”

That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

Yet another FAKE NEWS story breaking as we speak, concerning the outcry over the sale of  chocolate Easter eggs which are not essential food items.

It seems a fracas has erupted outside a supermarket when an entire delivery lorry was mobbed by hungry members of the public trying to stock pile the chocolate treats, resulting in the entire load falling from the lorry to the ground and smashing.

As luck would have it an entire regiment of the Horse Brigade was passing at the time and stepped in to take control but were unable to put the eggs back together again.

Mr Dumpty a spokesman for the supermarket said, “this is a tragic event which could so easily have been avoided,” but thanked the men of the Horse Brigade for their valiant efforts in trying to put the eggs back together.

That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!