The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

Today the FAKE NEWS we have to report is the sad death of Greta Thunberg who tragically took her own live in the early hours of the morning, when she learned that the hole in the Earth’s ozone layer had closed up and the world temperature had dropped by three degrees due to the complete lock down of the entire world.

She is reported to have said to her only friend, “first they took my future and now it’s come back why are they playing with my mind in such a cruel way?”

Apparently she locked herself in the garage and turned on her fathers car in the hope that the fumes would kill her but as the car was electric and the battery was flat she then decided to hang herself instead. Unable to find any rope she decided to use the cable from the car’s charger but unfortunately the car mysteriously burst into flames leaving her trapped in the blazing building.

A note she left for her grieving parents allegedly said, ” I no longer have a purpose in life,” tributes have poured in from all over the world.

The Transport Minister said, “How sad but I think it’s the way she would have liked to go.”

Jeremy Clarkson said, “Oh her!”

Extinction Rebellion said, “We will block the traffic in London as a tribute to her, as soon as it manages to get moving again.”

That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

I have to admire all the people who are posting amusing pictures and stories to raise our spirits during this time of enforced lock down as I’m getting a little stir crazy myself and have decided to take a break from writing my book which is somewhat more on track than it was since I stopped wasting every moment of my waking day trying to find out why my computer will not let me log into two sites I use.

Having tried numerous things, re-booting, clearing my history, clearing my cookies and finally shouting very loudly I am still unable to enter these sites so have as of today decided to stop tying and to distract myself with continuing to write the book.

However, one needs a rest every now and then so for a brief moment I thought I might amuse myself by posting the FAKE NEWS OF THE DAY!

Today’s FAKE NEWS  concerns Amelia Earhart who was lost in the Pacific Ocean near Howland Island whilst trying to circumnavigate the globe in 1937, she was lost with her navigator Fred Noonan along with their Lockheed Electra with no trace of them ever being found, until today when the remains of the plane washed up on the beach in Bournemouth.

The plane was found by two pensioners Mr and Mrs Tintin whilst taking their Wire Fox Terrier called Snowy for an early morning walk along the promenade.

Mr Tintin said, “my wife and I were alerted to the aeroplane by our dog Snowy and upon closer inspection the little fellow would not stop barking and led us to a collection of bones in the floor of the plane.” “I don’t have a mobile phone,” he said but managed to borrow one from two passing twins called Thompson to alert the authorities.”

It was later reported that the coastguard had previously received a report from a fisherman called Captain Haddock who said his nets had snagged on something in the vicinity  during high tide.

Later the police reported than the remains had been confirmed as those of the missing Amelia Earhart and her navigator Fred Noonan.

That is the end of the FAKE NEWS for today and with that I hand you back to the studio!

Here is a link to a rather amusing little post about someone writing a book which I came across which prompted me to write this which was going to be a short response to say I had enjoyed the post but became somewhat longer as I told my tale of woe.

https://fivedotoh.com/2020/03/27/friday-fictioneers-old-school/#like-41602

I too thought it would be a good time to write a book but have so far in three days written five pages and managed to complete some research.

Yesterday was completely wasted trying to get our broadband fixed which resulted in us being told to dismantle the incoming socket and plug the wire in the back, it looks extremely untidy and has not resulted in the broadband working any better.

I have now wasted the majority of today trying to fix the sky box which must be related to the internet connection and my log in to my Vodafone account which no longer works.

As we speak, I am currently in conversation with what I suspect is a robot and I have a number to quote should I ever get in touch with a human being, however I received the message on the phone with the number which made the phone ding every two or three minutes so I deleted it as it was quite annoying. I don’t even have the satisfaction of talking to a real person I can shout at, sorry I mean raise my voice at!

I have to wonder if these problems will ever get resolved and am beginning to lose the will to live, compared to getting the internet fixed a dose of Coronavirus is looking quite an attractive alternative.

To those of you who read my previous post, progress on the book I wanted to write is moving very slowly so I thought I might stop for a little snack and looking around whilst the cupboard wasn’t bare it was beginning to look a little thin on the ground.

Being British I’m quite partial to a buttered crumpet with lashings of butter but we seem to be out of butter as we haven’t been shopping for some days, it’s surprising how quickly you run out of food when you don’t replenish it on a regular basis.

I was wondering if we might venture out to buy some essential supplies as I believe you are allowed to do but was unsure what might be considered essential for in my book lager is a vital part of my every day diet, I tend to save gin and tonic for the weekend.

Having rummaged around in the fridge I came upon some vegetable spread which although not my spread of choice for crumpets, needs must when feeling a little peckish and due to the current rationing situation I spread it quite thinly and I have to say it was a great disappointment compared to my usual crumpet dripping with copious amounts of salted butter.

I know that during the war especially in occupied countries where food supplies had almost completely dried up the population were driven to eating almost anything they could lay their hand on and I wondered how long it would take for us to reach that situation.

The thought of having to eat grass, shoe leather or even worse bats and rats or other small rodents filled me with horror for after all, isn’t this where we started with corona lark.

The thought was quite aberrant but at least it made the crumpets taste considerably more palatable, there’s always a brighter side if you look hard enough!

I decided to use my time during the current lock down constructively and to write the book I have been thinking about but never seem to have had the time to write, unfortunately at the speed I write we need to be locked down for far longer than I would like.

The story is set just after the war and I was doing some research on rationing when I came across this picture from the IWM of people queuing patiently outside a greengrocers in Wood Green in 1945 when I noticed the lady with the hat behind the fellow with the fag in his mouth bore a remarkable resemblance to my grandmother, I wonder if it was her?

During our current crisis I have heard some dreadful stories of people fighting and pushing older folk to the floor in an attempt to get to toilet paper and the like and am hoping that perhaps this photo may serve as an example of how to do things properly and to those of the community who have been behaving in such an ill mannered fashion I say, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

It has been suggested that my posts on this subject are a little too flippant and not perhaps as serious as the subject demands and they may have a point.

I was watching a fabulous documentary by Julian Clary about Noel Coward recently when I suddenly remembered that, “In which we serve” and “Brief  Encounter” were two of my favourite films.

“In which we serve” was made in 1942 and was a propaganda film to help the war effort and tells the story of a Captain E V Kinross played by Coward and the ships in which he serves.

I’m feeling more optimistic about the outcome of Coronavirus by the sheer mention of the film and hoping my readers will view this post as propaganda in the Corona war, for as Churchill said, “Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

Surely during the war you had to have the mindset that “it won’t be me, some other bugger will cop it but not me” and perhaps this may be a useful way to view our current situation. Keep going, keep optimistic, keep your pecker up, try to find that wartime spirit and keep calm and carry on. I wish you all good luck.

Last weekend we went to Frisking the whiskers, not much to add except to say we had a fabulous time meeting friends old and new, I was surprised that fewer people had taken their classic cars than I was expecting but I suppose the prevailing conditions may have had some bearing on it.

We always forget to take any photos, however I did take two which rather amused me at breakfast.

Obviously done to amuse children but I thought it rather reminded me of having breakfast on the boat deck of The Titanic.

Well it made me laugh!

Some of my work has been chosen for “the short of it” for those of you who haven’t already found it might I suggest you follow the link below to view it. Thank you, I hope you find them moderately amusing.

Joe Wells

Joe Wells

I have been very busy just lately so I haven’t had time to blog which will mean this post is fairly short and it’s not because I have been going from supermarket to supermarket hoarding toilet paper and the like.

Just to put things into perspective the current death toll from Coronavirus since it hit the United Kingdom is 144 whereas in the same time 240 people have died in road traffic accidents which is approximately 1700 per year and no-one turns a hair.

Here is a more interesting fact, the average number of deaths each year in the UK from flu is 17,500, now there’s something to think about.

As I’ve said before, stop panic buying “keep calm and carry on” and we will be fine.

How many people suffering with Coronavirus are in fact exhibiting symptoms of nothing worse than hay fever, I know myself I am currently suffering from the mould spores in the air and it is only a matter of time before the deadly Elderflower attacks.

My how versatile the Elderflower appears to be; one can use it in beer, Champagne, liqueur spirits, cordial, Vodka, Gin, Tea, and also surprisingly make Elderflower wine.

In cooking it can be used in Summer Pudding, Honey Cake, and Cheese Cake and in Fritters to name but four, however Wiki do dah says a fritter is any kind of food coated in batter and deep-fried.

Quite how this equates with the Scottish habit of deep-frying Mars bars, or how even with the addition of the magic ingredient Elderflower, I still fail to see how a deep-fried Mars bar can become an edible foodstuff, I wonder if it tastes as awful as it looks?

Apparently one can use Elderflower in a pudding called Panna Cotta which I’m led to believe comes from Italy, although it looks to me to be nothing more than good old-fashioned British Blancmange.

It’s strange how even the mention of certain things can instantly transform you back in time to your school days, ah yes, school dinners; happy days!

How pleasant some moments can be; a beautiful summer day, a picnic by the river, Radio Four playing quietly on the wireless, a glass of chilled wine and, yes I’m getting creosote with hints of Elderflower.

Such a shame that the Elderflower seems to be so versatile and yet in the countryside all it seems to do is congregate on the trees in enormous quantities whilst waiting for sufficient wind so that it can float happily on the breeze.

Yes, vast quantities of the Damn stuff, like snow falling, eventually landing and covering everything in a fine white powder, like an explosion in a Cocaine factory.

In the mean time I and many like me are sneezing as if we are auditioning for one of the Seven Dwarfs, eyes red with irritation, doing a very good impression of someone about to succumb to Coronavirus, this never happened when I lived in the town.

I must say though, even with the attack of hay fever from mould spores and the deadly Elderflower I’m still preferring my life as a Country Bumpkin to being back in town.