The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

It’s a new year and therefore I am making sweeping changes to my life, well that may be a slight exaggeration I am in fact doing nothing more than rearranging my blogs and websites, starting with this one.

When I first wrote this site some many years ago it was exactly what it said on the tin, it was a blog about my shock at the difference between life in the country and life in the town.

For example when in town and one ventures forth to the pub it can be fairly late, whereas in the country especially in the winter if you leave it too late by the time you get there it may well be closed.

Elder flower, don’t get me started on this subject, just scroll down the list of subjects and review my wonderful blog on the subject. https://lordjoewells.wordpress.com/2012/05/15/im-getting-hints-of-elderflower/

This is the sort of change I am putting into practice, this site will revert, hopefully to subjects more closely related to life in the country, although as I have been here for quite a few years now I’m finding it harder to find subjects on which to blog as I quite like the place now.

Luckily I happen to have one handy which concerns country matters and the exploits of the local farmers and I suspect some of you who live in the country may have experienced what I am talking about. Massive housing developments on farmland.

Everywhere you go all you can see is massive housing developments taking place on what was once farmland, it’s come to the point that if a building worker bends down revealing the crack of his arse someone applies for planning permission for a small block of flats in his trousers.

I have become a NIMBY, I don’t want the country to become the town, where drivers push their way into the road and stop the traffic with their car as a means of turning right. I much prefer the old fashioned way it used to be when I first arrived in the country where everyone waited for a gap in the traffic before emerging. The more gentlemanly way of: “After you Claud.” “No after you Cecil.” seemed to work well and as they say, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

Just to simplify things, this blog is for matters relating to the country.

I have a new blog which I shall use purely for my book news and new releases which is called Joe’s book page the link to which is; https://joesbookpage.wordpress.com/blog/

The link to my other blog called Joe Wells of whom it has been said which covers anything but books and country matters is;  https://www.joewellsofwhomithasbeensaid.com/

There, hopefully that should make perfect sense, as they say in the advertisement, “simples” I’m off to do some bird watching.

#FOWC Revenge.

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with this post today, except that I am attempting to take part in Fandango’s One Word Challenge, hence the rather peculiar #FOWC at the beginning of the post.

Further to my post yesterday I am delighted to have been contacted by other bloggers who seem to be just as annoyed as I am with the stupidity of computers, so thank you for that, I am not alone.

To take part in today’s challenge I have to create a pingback and have to attach the #FOWC, although I have no idea why I am doing either but have received instructions and am following them to the best of my feeble abilities.

I was rather hoping that should I complete this task it would be my revenge on the stupid computer as it would require the thing to be rather clever to follow the instructions and fulfill the task, although it would in fact be me who had been the clever one as I was instructing the computer how to do it.

On the other hand should I make a complete pigs ear of the thing it would of course be yet again the computers revenge on me.

Well, I have fulfilled my part of the challenge in that I have written a post using the one word revenge all I have to do now is highlight the text and click Insert/edit on the toolbar and enter the URL where I want the text to link to, simple. The only slight problem is I have never seen a toolbar on this site nor have I ever clicked on it, never mind I’m going to give it a go, wish me luck!

Well, this is my third go at making this link thing work and I am fairly certain it’s not doing what it was supposed to do, although it does have a link in the #FOWC Revenge text at the top of this page but I have no idea if it’s pinging, so as usual the stupid computer has its revenge on me.

I have posted before on this subject, but have just come up against another ludicrous aspect of computer technology which proves yet again that computers are the stupidest thing ever invented by man.

Over the years man has invented many many things to make our lives easier, the bicycle went faster than we could walk, the car went faster than the bicycle, etc etc. Then along came the computer which when I first got one and before I found broadband went slower than life itself.

Gradually with the aid of broadband we could surf the net at the speed of light and even an old Luddite like myself had to admit it was a very useful tool for so many things, at least while the damn thing is working properly.

It is some time since my last fracas with my computer, so long, in fact that I have forgotten what I had reason to shout at the thing for, whatever it was pales into insignificance compared to it’s latest stupidity.

With ever more concern over the security of the internet one is constantly checking to see if the sites one is visiting are secure and just recently quite a few of the sites I used to use regularly have come up as not secure or not available at all.

Seeking advice on the matter from a young person who knows about these things, it seems I needed to clear my cache, (I think that’s what he said) and to clear my cookies. Blow me down, having cleared my browsing history, all of a sudden all the difficult sites immediately became available and secure.

The explanation for this phenomenon in layman’s terms was that if my computer had made a mistake searching for a site which had come up as unavailable it would continue to repeat this mistake until I cleared the history.  Now why would any machine be so stupid as to act in this fashion.

If, for example I were dealing with another human being and asked them, would you please open the door for me I will follow behind and they blatantly disregarded my request, I would be somewhat surprised and be forced to inform them to stop acting like a complete idiot, yet this action from a computer apparently makes sense. Computers, unlike human beings will continue to bash their heads on a brick wall no matter how much metaphorical blood may be streaming down their face.

I have never had this problem before and have no idea why it has all of a sudden appeared, which leaves me wondering how many other people are suffering the same fate, especially those which I have given my website details to in an attempt to prompt them to purchase some of the books I write. How many I wonder, have had the same problem and just given up trying to get to my site?

At least I can now get to the sites which before were unavailable but unfortunately along with my history which was deleted I have lost other information, for example the list and connection of people who were following this blog.

Should any of my readers happen to be computer whiz kid and understand the problem I have experienced, I would be delighted to hear a proper explanation of this strange behaviour, assuming of course your computer will let you contact me.

I have done extremely well getting through this post without SHOUTING, I am obviously becoming accustomed to the idea that computers are morons and we just have to accept their ludicrous behaviour if we wish to maintain a normal level of blood pressure.

In that calming vein I would therefore like to wish all my readers a very happy, healthy and prosperous New Year.

Whilst watching The Pledge on television recently I was somewhat surprised when they decided to have a quiz and handed out what they described as white boards to write their answers on.  The reason for my surprise was the fact that they called it a white board and I thought, perhaps I ought to feel violated either on my behalf or on the behalf of other white people who might have a more snowflake outlook to life.

My grandchildren are constantly telling me they feel violated because of this and that, although I’m not entirely certain they actually know the meaning of the word violated, this it seems is the modern way.

Although it was some considerable time ago when I was at school, we were taught by a teacher writing on a blackboard and during my entire school career I can never remember an occasion when any pupil felt violated by the colour of the board.

Obviously, times change and the boards were changed from black to white so as to not offend the black pupils, however one has to wonder whether any research has been done as to whether white people are feeling violated by the choice of white for the replacement boards.

Why, one wonders were they not replaced by green, blue or some other similar colour boards which would not offend anyone, at least from recollection there were no pupils of these colours when I was at school to feel violated.

I have been informed by younger members of my family that these new white boards are actually referred to as writing boards to which I responded that the original black ones were also boards which were used for writing, there was therefore no need to change the original black board but merely to rename them as writing boards too.

My wife and I are trying to get in touch with the more modern way of doing things and so she as a black woman has become violated on my behalf concerning these white boards which is quite strange as she was not offended when the original boards were called black. Myself I am still unsure whether to join her in feeling violated on my behalf, or to feel violated myself, or whether not to bother feeling violated at all.

I was feeling the urge to write as I don’t seem to have written much of late except the occasional plug for my latest children’s book but at this time of year, I find myself obsessed with Christmas. Actually, to be more precise I would say my wife is obsessed with Christmas and I am doing my best to assist her in the process.

I have mentioned before that I have objections to Christmas, not you understand the actual holiday itself but the enormous waste of money spent on food, drink and worst of all vastly expensive presents for all and sundry.

My ideal Christmas celebration would consist of one of my wife’s rather splendid chicken dinners with all the trimmings, some wine, some spirits and a few beers or lagers and no presents whatsoever.

We obviously have quite a few people over for Christmas which may explain why I am having trouble getting by the mountainous pile of presents which have accumulated round the Christmas tree.

This post has been interrupted at least two times as we have had to visit the supermarket on numerous occasions to stock up with vast amounts of food sufficient to survive a nuclear holocaust.

We have as I write just returned from such a trip and I noticed as I went around quite a number of strong men standing by their trolleys with sunken eyes, staring into the middle distance, for I too know that look. They had lost the will to live and some like me were close to tears.

When we finally unloaded everything and I had finished painting the banister rail for the hall, stairs and landing which we had to redecorate, although quite why it was so important it had to be done at Christmas, I have no idea but the priorities of a woman are far different from those of a man. Personally, I would have thought that finishing the head gasket on my Morris Minor which I started some months ago was far more important, but who’s to say.

All I have to do tomorrow is put up the Irish flag bunting and the orange, white and green balloons and the rest of the paraphernalia which will enable us to have our Irish themed Christmas and I can settle down on Christmas day and enjoy a few Guinness whilst listening to The Dubliners and The Wolfe Tones and others for a few jigs and reels.

Well that’s my post for today, all that is left for me to do is to apologise to everyone who is still waiting for their Christmas cards to arrive, as we have been very busy this year and to wish all my friends and readers a Happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

I am delighted to announce that my latest book Nobby Brasso and the big bash birthday is now available on Amazon, continuing with the story of Nobby and Old Castle football team.

Just a quick comment on the recent riots taking place in France with protesters complaining about the recent increases in fuel prices, how different generally speaking to the British way of dealing with a rise in the price of fuel.

The last time we had a petrol price increase I myself rushed into the streets to join the protesters and to dig up the cobble stones to throw at the police but was rather surprised to find I was completely on my own so “tutted” to my self and came back inside.

The following day I took my car to the garage and filled up and carried on with my life rather like the rest of the population and I have to say it is a much less stressful way of carrying on than the French way of doing things.

Rather like a scene from Les Miserables the French had erected barricades and dug up the road and were throwing the cobbles at the police who were responding with rubber bullets and tear gas, all very melodramatic.

After some days of protest the French government has conceded and will delay bringing in the price increases which will cost them two billion euros which will be funded by government spending cuts.

A rather ironic victory for the protesters as although they will in the short term get their cheaper petrol they will be unable to drive anywhere as the roads are full of potholes which the government has no money to repair.

I am delighted to report I have just come back from the Isle of Wight where I was interviewed for The Harry and Edna on the wireless programme, I shall give more information at a later date when I find out when it is due for transmission, however my post today is just a brief description of our visit.

The choice of whether to take the classic or modern Bentley was easily made when my wife informed me I would be going on my own should I choose the older and less well insulated of the two cars and as it turned out to be fairly cold and wet during our weekend, I think she made a wise choice.

This was not my first visit to the Isle of Wight as I first visited some time in 1970 when I went to see Mr Bob Dylan at the first Isle of Wight festival and I can report that he is quite a small man, either that or I was quite a long way from the stage.

On my first visit I was sporting shoulder length hair and a rather splendid pair of  turquoise velvet bell bottom trousers, very much de rigueur for the period, however for my return I chose a somewhat more subdued brown three piece tweed suit.

We motored down to Portsmouth on the Friday morning and took the Wightlink ferry over travelling by sheer chance, port out and starboard home (POSH), if only the rest of the journey had continued in the same vein.

The hotel chosen for our accommodation was the Ryde Castle which describes itself as a majestic Victorian manor and as you can see from the photograph on Booking.com looks to be quite an impressive looking building with some interesting history, in that it was the hotel chosen by Agatha Christie when she went missing for a week.

Unfortunately I think it must have gone somewhat down market since the days when Agatha Christie stayed there as it turned out to be more of a pub eatery with accommodation than the majestic Victorian manor we had been looking forward to.

I’m not sure if the Trades Description Act is still in force but would suggest the description given by this hotel would easily contravene the act not only by the description given but by the wonderful images of facilities which clearly didn’t exist.

The lounge turned out to be a sofa and three chairs placed in the draughty lobby and the  photograph of the other lounge has since been transformed into a restaurant and I think the photograph of the acceptable looking restaurant is in fact now the bar where one can eat but now with scruffier tables and chairs.

The bedroom was rather on the small side and quite dark with a broken side to the bath held together with gaffer tape and although the bed was quite squeaky it turned out to be fairly comfortable.

All was not lost though for we had a full days site seeing before my radio interview which meant we visited a Roman villa, Queen Victoria’s Osborne House, Carisbrooke Castle and travelled on a chain link ferry, all very interesting even in the rain.

We quite enjoyed our visit to the Isle of Wight and have decided we will go back again,  when the weather is a little better and hopefully to stay in a hotel that describes itself as a majestic Victorian manor and actually turns out to be one.

I have a confession, due to a joke which I first shared with my friends some time in the 1980’s, I have been masquerading as a Lord. This was originally started due to my being adopted when I was one year old and as many adopted people I had delusions of grandeur and was always waiting for my birth father The Marquis of Bath to turn up and bestow the county of Berkshire upon me. Needless to say he never came, but the Lord Joe Wells stuck.

I am proud to announce that I am no longer a charlatan as I have been awarded a Lordship from the Principality of Sealand, an old wartime fort off the English coast far enough out to be in international waters which has declared itself a principality.

Here is a copy of my registration deed as proof.

I am delighted to announce that my latest children’s book is now available on Amazon and I have to say I think it is rather splendid. I have been working with the same illustrator for the last four books and she is producing better and better illustrations with each new production. Her name, should any of you reading this be looking for an illustrator is Oksana Basarab and she can be found on the Fiverr website.

I do hope some of my readers will purchase the book and enjoy reading it, I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.