The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

Juxtapose

Some of you may have noticed that I have not blogged for a few days, or perhaps you haven’t, for you like me may have been away for the weekend enjoying yourself.

What an interesting choice of word for today’s word prompt, juxtapose and how it fits so easily with my experiences at the weekend, for a start lets juxtapose the joy of being retired and having the ability to go away at any time, with the lack of a regular income to pay for said jaunts.

This last weekend entailed a trip away to watch our grandchildren play in a football tournament and again one can juxtapose the pleasure aspect of being away with my delightful wife, compared to the purgatory that was watching the football matches, although to be fair my version of watching football is not perhaps a conventional one. Indeed the comparison between my version of sitting by the side of the pitch in my deckchair reading the latest edition of Rolls-Royce and Bentley Driver magazine and a considerable number of the other fathers and grandfathers who would stand at the side of the pitch shouting instructions at the top of their voices to the poor infants on the pitch, is as they say like chalk and cheese.

I am in the very lucky position to be the owner of both, a modern Bentley Arnage and a classic 1947 Mk VI Bentley and once again one can juxtapose the two cars as the newer car has the benefit of air conditioning, whereas the older one has the option to open the window should the weather become unseasonably hot and perhaps with the weather being baking hot at the weekend, had we compared the two cars before opting to take the older one, we may have been slightly cooler.

Earlier I mentioned the joy of being able to go away whenever one desired if one was retired, however living the life of Reilly has it’s pitfalls when the bills for all this merriment appear and one can juxtapose the two possible lifestyles. That of living like a hermit and saving one’s investments or the life of Reilly whereby one spends and enjoys one’s life. Always a conundrum for if we all had a sell by date where we knew exactly when we might die the arithmetic for calculating how much one might spend to be buried with nought but a pound left would be far easier.

One is never certain when given a word to write about exactly how many times to use it in the text and I am thinking of printing this blog with the word juxtapose both included in and removed from the text, then I can juxtapose both versions to see if I have used the word juxtapose too many times!

Further to receiving the sad news about The Daily Post I was flailing about following various pages which were suggested as an alternative and came across Discover, where I found a box where one might “Pitch” one of your blogs. It seemed an invitation too good to resist so I sent the previous blog about my concerns for my well being when The Daily Post is no longer with us.

I have no idea how to make a link out of nothing, so with my limited computer skills just copied and pasted and hoped for the best.

The following is my “pitch,”

https://lordjoewells.wordpress.com/2018/05/24/the-daily-post/

I was a little unsure as to how to proceed with this “Pitch” as I am British and the only thing I can remember pitching in my entire life was a rounders ball when a very small child, however I shall give it my best shot, as they say. The link to the above blog concerns the sad demise of The Daily Post, which has brought me much entertainment writing on and I hope some pleasure to the few who have come across my blog. As I mentioned in the blog without the Daily Word Prompt, I shall be unable to think of a topic to moan about and I fear this will end in tears with regard to my personal life. Having never taken part in any form of corporate activity, you will have to accept this as my best effort as a “Pitch.”

I am sir, your obedient servant,

Joe Wells.

The Daily Post, or should that be, The Last Post, I sincerely hope not. I have made a comment on the page when I received this tragic news and I re post it here as this may be my last act as a blogger.

I don’t see anyone asking why they are stopping The Daily Post, has there been an explanation as to why it should stop? If I were in any way competent with computer wizzkiddery I would organise a petition, or at the very least, sign one if someone else came up with the idea. Am I correct in assuming there will no longer be the Daily Prompt and if so how on earth will I think of something to write about. To quote the Marx Brothers, “this is an outrage, this means war.” They can’t do this to me, I’m not a young man, I’m mature and set in my ways, I can’t do with things changing will-nilly, without so much as a by your leave. I shall be lost for words, as you can clearly see. Have they given proper thought to this, I don’t want this to be the end of my marriage, but I fear if I don’t have The Daily Post to moan on I will inadvertently turn my attentions to my long suffering wife. If I am forced to moan to my wife there can only be two outcomes, an acrimonious divorce or I shall wake up one morning to find I have been stabbed to death in my sleep. I therefore say to those in charge of this foolish decision, please reconsider, for the sake of my marriage and my health.

Guilty

“Not me guv, nah not me, I ain’t guilty, I’m innocent mate, honest!” That was close, I just let my imagination run wild and in my head was being arrested for driving with no licence or insurance and in possession of a large quantity of illegal drugs with intent to supply. I’m frightfully glad it was just in my imagination.

There is a television programme which I think is called Police Interceptor, which basically follows police patrol cars finding and chasing wrongdoers. The thing that I find most fascinating about this programme is that whenever any of these people are caught, they never admit to being guilty. The police have to go through a long rigmarole to find who they are, or who owns the stolen goods or illegal drugs and eventually having wasted hours of police time they are finally able to arrest and charge them.

Long gone are the days when a policeman could arrest a criminal by holding up his truncheon, which for the benefit of the younger readers was a small wooden cosh about 6 to 10 inches long and uttering the phrase, “come on sonny Jim, come quietly now.” Upon hearing this phrase and viewing the policeman’s truncheon the hardened criminal would reply, thus. “It’s a fair cop guv, you’ve got me banged to rights.”

Nowadays it takes a three hour police chase, involving seven police cars, from two police forces aided by a police helicopter, the entire thing filmed from the chasing police cars and even when they are eventually caught and arrested, they still won’t admit to being guilty.

Modern life, don’t you just love it? Come back Dixon of Dock Green!

Disappear

I’m thinking of joining the Magic Circle as I have finally become a full fledged magician, although not my favourite trick by any means, I have by years and years of practice perfected the disappearing money trick. For those of you not familiar with the trick, let me explain. I receive money into my bank account and virtually the same second it coincides with a bill which requires payment and disappears in an instant.

My membership to the magic circle may not be as easy as I would like as this is the only trick I have perfected, the one where I can do this trick in reverse and produce huge quantities of money from a top hat is still some considerable way away from my grasp.

On the same subject there have been quite a few celebrity disappearances where for some reason or another the need to disappear has occurred. My thoughts, straightaway turned to Lord Lucan who murdered the family nanny in mistake for his wife and fled the country to who knows where? There were many suggestions, he was alive and well and in hiding in South Africa assisted by his well off chums, or that it all ended tragically the night he fled when he threw himself off the ferry to France. I suspect we shall never know.

The story of Robert Maxwell, the owner of the Daily Mirror newspaper who was embezzling the company pension fund and once again took to the seas in his boat and flung himself into the raging seas below, I suppose as his body was found it could only be termed a brief disappearance.

Another famous disappearance was that of Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs, who was part of the gang that robbed the mail train and escaped with 2.6 million pounds which was an absolute fortune in those days. The gang including Biggs, who actually only played a small part in the raid were soon captured and imprisoned. Biggs escaped and fled to France and then Australia and finally to Brazil having spent a vast proportion of his haul from the robbery to aid his disappearance. He was in Brazil from 1970 but was free from arrest as he had fathered a child whilst there and chose to come home in 2001 with 28 years of his sentence still to serve. Upon his return to the UK he was imprisoned and was finally released in 2009 with failing health and entered a nursing home and died in 2013.

Finally, the story of John Stonehouse who was at on time Postmaster General under a Labour Government, who fell upon hard times with his companies and was forced into creative accounting, which I think is otherwise known as fraud. He faked his own death by leaving his clothes on a Miami where it was assumed he had drowned or been eaten by a shark, when in fact he had disappeared to Australia to start a new life with his mistress and secretary Sheila Buckley.
He was finally caught as it was thought that he was in fact the disappeared Lord Lucan and the police were called to arrest him. Having served three years of a seven year sentence he was released on good behaviour and as he had suffered three heart attacks.

I seem to have digressed slightly from my original topic, that of magic and the lack of sufficient funds for my lavish lifestyle, however having seen the previous four examples I am fairly certain I shall not be turning to a life of crime to make up the shortfall.

Premature

I don’t want to seem premature in suggesting that I have become one of Britain’s foremost writers of children’s books, but in my dreams, that’s exactly where I am. In reality the story is slightly less impressive, however I am delighted to announce my second children’s book is now available on Amazon, the link to which is below. I have in production two other books, “Nobby Brasso and the big bash birthday” which is the second “Nobby Brasso” book and “Sam and her fantastic space journey,” the writing of which was relatively stress free. However getting the illustrations and the formatting of the books done has made me prematurely grey.

There are a further seven or eight books which I have already written which are waiting to be finished, one can write quite a few as they are fairly short, but I have a very long way to go before I could even dream of matching Barbara Cartland, one of this countries, and the worlds, most prolific authors. In her lifetime she wrote some 723 books, mostly romantic fiction which was estimated by some sources to have resulted in two billion sales.

Yes indeed, I was a little premature with my dreams of dominating the best sellers list and in some ways I’m glad, for Barbara Cartland used to dress in a pink chiffon gown, with dyed pink hair and makeup which looked as if it had been applied with a spade, she would then plonk herself on the sofa and dictate to her secretary. I’m forced to think, if this is what one has to endure to become a top selling author I can give it a miss, and whilst there are certain looks I can pull off, a pink chiffon gown is not one of them, although from my previous stage career, I do have the ability to put makeup on with a spade.

Thin

I have just finished uploading my latest children’s book, it should be available for purchase some time within the next 72 hours, it is a short story and therefore the book is quite thin.

Here are three blogs from yesterday which I posted on my other blog site, Joe Wells, of whom it has been said, http://www.joewellsofwhomithasbeensaid.com/ in a vain attempt to publicise my other blog. I think if you read them they are self explanatory, it all seemed like such a good idea at the time!

Clever computer ping backs and whizkiddery!

Some of you who read this may know I have another blog site, although in all fairness I’m wondering why on earth I would want two blogs, when it’s hard enough to find the time for one. The problem is, of course that I am a creature of habit and some time ago I started one of the blogs and in a state of utter confusion I started the other which seemed like a good idea at the time.

I am no spring chicken which means I am somewhat set in my ways, so I am completely unable to shut one of the blogs, even if I knew how to do it, which leaves me back to square one and finding time for two blogs.

Now this is where the clever computer whizkiddery comes in, my other blog called, The Diary of a Country Bumpkin https://lordjoewells.wordpress.com/ has morphed from my original idea of telling of my surprise and confusion having moved from town to the country, to an almost daily blog the subject of which is dictated to by the random choice of a daily word prompt.

Here’s the clever bit, (I think), one has to copy and paste a piece of text which I think is something to do with ping backs but I couldn’t be absolutely certain of that with my limited knowledge of computer technology. However my intention is to wait until I am sent the choice of word to blog about and copy the “ping thingy,” but to paste it on this blog, together with whatever I write about.

This could be a clever way of making people aware that I am slaving over a hot keyboard to produce two blogs for your edification and delight, or on the other hand, it could throw a complete spanner in the works, causing utter confusion to both blogs, I am hoping for the former, but where computers are concerned I am frequently let down by their inability to be as clever as they should be.

Should this cunning plan bear fruit, whereby I have made people aware I have two blogs and they both work with the “ping thingy,” I can then take a more leisurely approach and only have to use each blog on alternate days. Don’t hold your breath waiting, I will get back to you as soon as I can and we can see if it works, if nothing else you have to admire my ridiculous optimism in the face of computer technology.

Pedigree.

Pedigree

For those of you who usually read my blog on The Diary of a Country Bumpkin, I am trying some computer whizkiddery, which as I am writing has all the look of an experiment about to fail dramatically. As you will know my knowledge of computer stuff is pretty thin on the ground as this experiment is about to prove.

Now please don’t laugh when I describe my thought pattern for today’s little experiment as, to me at least it contains perfectly logical and reasoned argument for it’s success. When one takes part in the daily word prompt, which I do on my other blog, one is encouraged to insert a piece of text in the blog, although when I reviewed it just before starting to blog, it appeared to ask for the text to be inserted in the HTML tag of the post editor, which I in my ignorance just stuck it at the start of the blog and hoped for the best.

I was under the impression that the piece of text was a “ping thingy,” which would work rather in the fashion of World War Two Sonar, which was used to detect enemy submarines by pinging back the sound when the submarine was detected. Assuming this to be the case, I attempted to apply logic to the situation and place the “ping thingy text,” in my other blog, Joe Wells, of whom it has been said, in an effort to assist people to locate it, although should that happen I don’t want to be attacked with depth charges as in the war.

Assuming anyone receives this blog, there will be some who will be laughing out loud as to my foolishness in thinking this plan had a hope in hell of working, but as they say, if you don’t try, you don’t get. The thing that makes me think this is doomed to failure is the fact that as I am typing the text is being highlighted which doesn’t normally happen and this is my second go at this as I noticed when I started it was perhaps, not going to plan.

The original idea was to be able to blog on each site on alternate days thereby saving me valuable time and effort, but I’m rather worried that my efforts may have damaged this blog irreparably, should that have happened so I can no longer use this blog it would have halved the amount of effort I was putting into blogging, but not in quite the way I had intended.

Right, I’ve wasted enough time on something that seems doomed to failure, but should this work, please consider this to be my effort for pedigree, although I fear the result may not be pedigree material.

Oh dear.

I have very little to say except, please see the previous two blogs and try to contain your laughter, it all seemed perfectly sensible to me at the start and I am confident that there are a considerable number of people out there who’s solution to a computer being too stupid to do what you want it to, is to shout at it will understand completely!

Slight

The wife and I went away for the weekend for a Forties Event at Brooklands in Surrey, due to pressure of work, we left late the previous evening but arrived unscathed, which is always useful when travelling in a 1947 Bentley motor car. We booked in to our hotel, The Brooklands Hotel which is right on top of the track for Mercedes World, of which we had a good view of from our bedroom window.

All was going well, I would have liked to say we dined like kings, but we had arrived too late for the restaurant so plumped for a burger in the bar and some alcoholic beverage and so to bed to be refreshed and ready for the morning of the event.

I think it fair to say that should they be offering prizes for getting up at the crack of dawn, my wife and I would come last every time, hence booking the hotel for the night before and a leisurely breakfast before heading next door to Brooklands and the Forties Relived event.

We both have forties outfits and there were plenty of others entering into the spirit of the thing by dressing in period costume too, I feel most at home in the forties and should actually have been around in those days, I feel the more time passes, the more out of touch I am becoming with modern life.

I am lucky to be a Brooklands Trust Club Member which has many perks, one of which is access to the Members bar, where we had a pleasant lunch and a gin and tonic each before a bout of retail therapy which resulted in the purchase of two long collar forties shirts and a wicker basket for my wife.

By way of a change a quick visit to the marquee to listen to the band and to watch the dancing for a while, before having a wander round the museum itself and to admire the latest additions and upgrades due to a substantial injection of Lottery funding, money well spent I say.

The day so far was going swimmingly but gradually the clouds grew darker and the inevitable rain started which caused us to take shelter in the car for some considerable time. Eventually we came to the conclusion that the inclement weather was here for the duration so decided to say our goodbyes and return to the hotel to watch the Grand Prix on the television.

Stopping at the Chester Cordite stand we were going to speak to Stuart who’s company it is, but he was busy with a customer so we browsed for a while. Stuart sells the most wonderful suits based on genuine forties designs and it was from him I had purchased the two shirts earlier in the day. During the course of our waiting for Stuart to be free my wife managed to find the most wonderful tweed suit which she insisted I purchase, I resisted as best I could but all to no avail. It will require alterations as I have very short arms and the trousers will require shortening but the hardest bit to fit correctly is the trousers as they are sold by waist size but as they are forties cut, the top of the trousers is on ones chest! I shall take the suit to my tailor who will make the appropriate adjustments and the finished look will be superb.

My wife and I are getting ridiculously precious as it would have been considerably cheaper to have got up at the crack of dawn, driven to the event, spent the day there and then returned home, but no. We require a hotel for the night before as we unable to rise at a decent hour and then a hotel for the night after to recover for our days labours before taking a leisurely drive to get home, all at considerably more expense than the previous option costing some £12.50.

Whilst having a perfectly fine day, I’m not entirely sure we achieved value for money as the day was cut short by the inclement weather, perhaps we should have paid less regard to the weather forecast which originally said, there will be a “slight” chance of rain!

Forest

Today’s choice for word prompt is “forest” and I was immediately put in mind of Robin Hood and his Merry Men who lived in the woods to evade capture by the Sherriff of Nottingham, although I’m rather wondering what on earth his men got up to that would make them merry. Personally, the thought of living in the woods would make me quite unhappy, what with all the creepy crawlies, the lack of shelter and all that goes with it.

Now, we all know that bears defecate in the woods, which is all well and good for them, but us humans, or at least most of us have been brought up differently, so I have no desire to leave traces of my excreta in the woods with a view to scaring off the other animals. I wouldn’t say boo to a goose, let alone try to shit on one, if you’ll pardon my French, as they say.

There is a website called Sawday’s which has interesting and different places to go for a holiday or a weekend away, some of which are fabulous and some are what I believe is called “glamping,” which is supposed to be “posh camping,” although it doesn’t appeal to me. One can stay in a “yurt,” which is basically one step up from an old World War Two bell tent in the middle of a farmers field.

I believe the idea is to get in touch with nature, to embrace the wind, the rain, the farmyard smells, obviously wellington boots are to be recommended for this sort of escapade. However, people leave glowing reports of their experiences, something like, “oh, Gerald and I had a wonderful time, we stayed in a yurt, we felt at one with nature, our hosts, Rosemary and John had thought of our every need.” “We so enjoyed the rustling of the wind in the woods and the outdoor shower with the bamboo curtain, together with the environmentally friendly composting toilet.”

Well each unto their own, but sleeping in a draughty old tent, having a freezing cold shower and defecating into a pile of wood chips, in the middle of a forest is not my idea of fun.

Time as usual has defeated me as I have to get ready, as we are going to a Forties event tomorrow which is taking place at Brooklands in Surrey, which was the first purpose-built motor racing track in the world, built in 1907. It has a banked track which you can hardly walk up and although not surrounded by forest, there were a considerable number of trees surrounding the track. Hard to imagine that men and women would risk their lives thundering round this track at horrendous speeds, for should they make an error or something broke on the car, they would shoot over the top of the banking and crash into the surrounding trees to their untimely death.

Those were the days, when men were men and indeed women were too!